Almost nothing seems more trivial to me right now than writing about food. Like many of you, I am still stunned by the election results, and can think of almost nothing else. To be a writer who writes about food at this moment in American history feels a little bit to me like showing up at a blazing house-fire and having high tea with my teddy bears on the front lawn. Silly. Useless. Taking up valuable space that should be used to fight this dang fire! None-the-less, here I am, just a food writer after all, probably not well-suited for penning political essays on serious subjects. I’ll leave that to smarter people and stick to what I know best: Hot dogs. Doughnuts. Comedy jokes. Besides, you guys need your Eat of the Week!
Gosh, you know what? I didn’t actually eat any election cake at OWL Bakery, and I’m ashamed of myself really. I mean, I had one chance at that cake, and I was all, like, “Yeah, cool, election cake. I should go get some of that,” but in the end I was just too lazy to get my ass over to OWL, and by the time I knew what was what, the election was over, and I had totally missed out on election cake.
Which is really fucking dumb, when you think about, because all I had to do was go just over the river from where I live, to get a piece of this once-in-a-lifetime election cake, and yet, I didn’t do it. I mean, WTF? I’m lucky enough to be living in a country where I have the fucking freedom to take my sorry ass to West Asheville — a relatively short distance from my house — and exercise my right to buy and eat election cake, and I didn’t do it! I’m an idiot!
For one thing, I don’t even have a picture of the election cake from OWL Bakery to post with this article. Yeah, I guess I could go to the OWL Facebook page and pilfer a couple of their pictures of election cake, and act like I ate election cake, and took pictures of election cake, but that would be dishonest and misleading, because in fact I didn’t eat election cake, when I could have eaten election cake, and now, I’m seriously filled with fucking regrets that I didn’t eat election cake. :/ I am an idiot.
Eating election was once strictly the privilege of white, male, land-owners. Ok, so I happen to be two-out-of-three of those things, but that’s not the point! The point is that these days anyone and everyone can eat election cake, and that is because people actually, literally fought and died for our right to eat election cake, and yet, like the white, male, privileged, piece of work that I am, I was all, like, “Oh, cake is cake. I eat cake all the time. I’ll just eat a piece of election cake from OWL next election. Hey, maybe the selection will be better. Right?”
What if there is no next time? What if I get hit by a bus? Or run over by a train? Or carried off by a large fucking bird? Then I will have died knowing that I could have had a piece of election cake in 2016, but I didn’t. “Fuck! Shoulda had that caaaaake.” Caw! Caw!
Speaking of large birds, what if OWL Bakery decides not to make election cake four years from now? Or, God forbid, they’re simply not around anymore because the economy tanked, for whatever reason partly because assholes like me didn’t think it was important to buy a fucking piece of election cake during the previous fucking election?!? DAMN IT! I really shoulda bought that cake.
Oh, believe me, then I’ll be having some serious regrets about not eating election cake. Won’t we all. By now I’m sure that every single one of us who didn’t buy a piece of election cake while we had a chance is filled with regrets out the wahzoo. How can we fucking live with ourselves?!?
Oops, sorry, did I start writing about politics? Let’s get back to food. Yeah, um, Election Cake at OWL Bakery: I should have eaten you, I’m filled with shame, sorrow, and true remorse that I didn’t eat you when I had a chance to eat you, and can only keep my fingers crossed that we all have another chance to eat you again in four years! I’ll be thinking about you every single day of my fucking life until then, and that is why you are my Eat of the Week!
“Artisan bakeshop presents naturally leavened breads and a full array of pastries.”
Address: 295 Haywood Rd, Asheville, NC 28806
Phone: (828) 785-1770
Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.
ON THE RADIO: wpvmfm.org
If you want a review, then OWL is legit. Good coffee, good bread, good pastries. Go on Tuesday afternoons when the pasteis de nata (egg custard tarts) are baked, and it’s like having an actual Portuguese bakery in town.
Now that’s a helpful review.
Are these food reviews to be taken seriously? They aren’t helpful or entertaining and certainly do nothing for the establishments reviewed. Can’t you do better than this?