Ever since a friend told me that making positive lists is good for one’s general well-being, I’ve been writing and posting them to Facebook.
Everything between the hashmarks has been cut ‘n’ pasted from my personal Facebook page.
8) BIRDS – “Tweedle dee tweedle dee tweep tweep chip chip chip tweep tweep tweep…” SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! Also, you ate all my dang blueberries, and you pooped on my yard furniture all Summer, but… I still love you.
7) CATS – Irony: I hate that you kill so many birds, but also, you’ve been using my yard as a litter box, and I have to say… you look pretty fucking smug until I chuck a crab apple at your pointy little heads. Smugness is not a quality that I enjoy, but… I still love you.
6) PEOPLE – Good lord. People. You are the absolute worst. The WORST. And you’ve been even ***worse*** lately. I mean, c’mon, I’m HORRIBLE, and I’m a million times better than half you fucking shit bag people of the world out there, but… despite that… for some reason… gawd help me… I still love you.
5) AMERICA – Um. See number six. America, you have been fucking up lately. And by “lately” I mean always. But for real, you are so fucked in the head on all levels right now. From the ten-ba-gillian tons of plastic you dump on the planet daily, to the constant mass shootings… of children… that never seem to change your mind about guns, to the *rape* culture you’ve fostered within your *pop* culture, to the election and legitimization of one the most atrocious human beings currently living on planet Earth to your highest office… America, you are so FUCKED. For real. You make it harder and harder every day, but dang it… I still love you.
4) CHRISTMAS – Okay, Christmas, you are by far the most ass-backwards holiday in the world. Is anyone here familiar with the actual teachings of some guy named Jesus? Anyone? Yeah. Jesus would fucking puke all over everyone everywhere if he saw what you’ve degenerated into, Christmas. Fer reals. Brand new gas guzzling trucks with giant bows on them when people all over the Earth are dying of starvation, and wars, and shit? SERIOUSLY??? Christmas. NO. Okay, whatever. You come with pretty lights, and… I still love you.
3) TV – Holy shit, TV, you have ruined me for life. Starting in 1966, with your racist, misogynist, homophobic stereotypes, right up until this very day, when I find myself watching long hours of bullshit just to relax, because that’s how I have been conditioned to relax for, oh, I dunno… my entire life?!? I know I know, I could break away, end it all between us, and pull the plug for good. I got rid of cable, and that helped, but you’re essentially still there, in my life, on a constant basis in one form or another, because, ultimately, despite your many many many many flaws… I still love you.
2) MUSIC – About 99.9999999% of all music ever made in the entire history of humanity is completely unlistenable to me. And the stuff I ***do*** like totally SUCKS. [ see video below of my current favorite song. it’s terrible. ] I’m not kidding, Music, why is there so much of you, and why can’t more of you be better? You’re so awful most of the time, and I get so SICK of you — also you gave me tinnitus, Dick — but for some biological reason, or “collective memories,” or whatever other science-shit I don’t understand, I can’t seem to live without you. It’s like an addiction, and much like a suffering drug addict still loves their drugs… Music… I still love you.
1) ASHEVILLE – Oh, Asheville, you scrappy little city in the mountains, you are flawed as FUCK. When I moved to you from the truly great (and massively flawed) city of Chicago, I was, like, “I think I may have made a big mistake.” It took me two years to learn to love you, Asheville, but you’ve changed since then. A lot. Your once-empty streets & sidewalks are now crowded. Hotels dominate your downtown landscape. You have a Pub Cycle. You are not the city I fell in love with, but you know what? Not only am I ***still*** in love with you, Asheville, I love you more than ever! Keep doin’ what you’re doin’, just do it better, please. And don’t FUCK UP, and make me regret the fact that I got on Facebook and declared to the world that… I still love you.
Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.
ON THE RADIO: wpvmfm.org
if you love birds, why do you eat them?
…and in spite of everything, Stu, I still love you!