In October of 1970-something, I was born at 105 pounds. Or, at least, it seems that has to be the most logical explanation for my life long battle with weight. I, Sarah Malson, eat my feelings.

Mad, sad, scared, happy or stressed, it doesn’t matter – GET IN MY BELLY!!! Oprah has nothing on me. I am Queen Yoyo of Scalesville. Some years I’m 135, the next 208, and the year after that 172. There is no rhyme or reason to the fluctuation.

I’ve done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Optavia, Keto, 4 Hour Body, Low Carb, Slow Carb, Low Fat, No Fat. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’m surprised MyFitnessPal hasn’t crashed my phone with all the food entries I’ve made.

“They” say weight loss is made in the kitchen. I don’t know who “they” are but “they” sure have an awful lot of great advice for someone we can’t see. “They” probably have a kangaroo pouch and bat wings to match mine. Hypocrite!!!

Being the oldest of three latch key kids, I couldn’t play sports. I had to be home before my sister and brother got off the bus. No after school activities for me. That’s the excuse I tell everyone. Birth order. I’m chubby because my mom had me first! My brother is the youngest, and way bigger than me. Not sure what his excuse is; probably my mom’s homemade macaroni and cheese. Now mark my words, I don’t care how rich and famous this column at Ashvegas makes me, I will never stop using Velveeta in my mac and cheese. You can take the girl outta the trailer, but you can’t take the trailer outta the girl. I’ll be having my butler go shopping for me. “Hey, Alfred, don’t forget the Velveeta!” Whether it’s scrambled eggs, green bean casserole, grilled cheese sandwiches or macaroni, Velveeta truly is the glue to bringing a dish together.

I didn’t have money to go to college. I received an ROTC scholarship to Marquette University and got my bachelor’s in nursing. I then served as a Navy Nurse Corps officer for five years active duty in the military. Little did I know, I had to run to get my degree.

I had to pass a physical fitness test twice a year to keep the scholarship. When I was active duty, I had to to do the same. That’s 9 years, 18 physical fitness tests. The test was comprised of a 1.5 mile run, 2 minutes of pushups and 2 minutes of sit-ups. I don’t know what 18 x 1.5 is off the top of my head, so we’ll just say roughly 546 miles in 9 years. That’s what it felt like. I had to tie a pork chop around my neck and have dogs chase me to the finish line, but I made it every time!!!

I hate running so damn much. I signed up for the Nashville Rock and Roll Half Marathon in 2014 just to say I did it. I was gonna slay this demon!!! I had never even run a 5k before. I trained for three months, and gave myself a three-hour goal to complete it. My time was 3:00:03. WTF?!?! 3 seconds? I failed by 3 seconds! To add insult to injury that year, Bill Belichick ran that race and beat me by 20 minutes. Ouch!

In 2015 I separated from my husband. I vowed to get in the best shape of my life. I did Pure Barre. It was tough, but I lost 35 pounds. Our divorce was finalized in April of 2017. I was still up and down month to month as far as my weight went. I tried Orangetheory in Arden next. Loved it. But I was still not consistently losing weight.

Last summer I hired a hot personal trainer named Clay Brackett. We started working out at Fletcher Park because of Covid. When gyms opened up, he started meeting me at Planet Fitness to do our workouts. I started lifting weights. This was 7,000 times better than running in my book, because it continues to burn calories for many hours after the workout is over. It was either the weightlifting or water loss from drooling over my trainer that helped me lose 41 pounds by this past December.

In April, I joined Caffeine N Fitness. It is a Crossfit-like gym on Pond Road run by Luis Baltierrez. He’s an amazing coach and his bootcamp classes are kicking my tail!!! It’s a great value too!!! $10 a class or $100 a month unlimited. Recently I started doing one-on-one personal training with Luis. I am losing tons of inches.

If I can do it, so can you! Please check out their website at or their FB page. Small classes make for more individualized attention. I love it. I never thought I could handle an exercise class like this, but I can!! Luis gives you nutrition advice and positive reinforcement to keep you motivated. I highly recommend this gym!!!

So yeah, I meal prep now, and I can finally blurt out that I Crossfit to random people. “I’m crossfitting!!! I can crossfit!!!” It’s sort of like Bill Murray yelling about sailing in “What About Bob?” I eat healthy, I track macros, I try to eat as much real food as I can and not processed junk. I feel the best I have in since, well, forever. This is the best me! I’m 44 so there’s hope for you too!!! It’s never too late to get fit. Hit me up if you want a workout partner or some meal ideas. We got this!!!

❤ Sarah Malson, The WAXlorette

Previously: Introduction to The WAXlorette


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