WLOS dailies THURS 1103

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

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Geeked out and grossed out
Russ “Beefcake” Bowen showed us his full range Thursday night in a report that encompasses everything we love about the Bow-man.

In a new sweeps stunt that we can see being replicated at TV news stations across the country, Russ underwent a little plastic surgery, then told us how it went. In this case, it was Lasik eye surgery.

First, Russ told us how blind he was. We saw cute old photos of the boy wearing big ugly glasses, then graduating to the Coke bottle lenses of today.

Next, we got gross-out close-ups of Russ’ balls (his eye balls, people) getting examined. Then more closer-ups of his balls getting snipped. (Actually, I think it’s the corneas that get cut on, but you know what we mean.)

But wait. Here comes the dramatic tension – the report on the 6 o’clock ended with Russ telling us that his left eye wasn’t up to snuff. Was something wrong? More at 11, Russ told us while sitting at the anchor desk with Larry “The Bluntman” Blunt and Diva Darcel Grimes. Sitting there, he showed us some of the old glasses his mother had saved. O, isn’t that so sweet???

So at 11, we find out that Russ’ left ball took a few extra weeks to shape up. In the end, everything was perfect, his vision a crisp 20-15.

So, for the rest of sweeps, let us suggest a few other plastic surgeries that WLOSers can undergo:
Julie Blunder has the permanent smile un-tattooed from her face.
Stan gets a personality transplant.
The Diva gets a weave transfusion.

Bright lights, big city
It really is all a matter of perspective, isn’t it? WLOS did a quick update on folks out in Leicester meeting to talk up becoming an incorporated town to keep the evil forces of Ashvegas at bay. They had tape of some woman saying, “Asheville is such a big city, and that’s all right. But we want to keep the small town feel here, like Black Mountain or Mills River.”

Kissed off
Holly Headache scored with a report about a female teacher at Owen Middle who awoke a napping male student with a kiss on the cheek. A weird story to do, but the best part was Holly getting Tony Baldwin, a Buncombe County associate superintendent, to say, on camera and with a shrug: “We don’t condone the actions of the teacher, nor do we necessarily condone sleeping in class.”

What the eff?!@#?! So Tony, you’re saying it’s not a bad thing for a teacher to indulge in a little tonsil hockey with a child every now and then? We’ll remember that.

No bomber jacket
Scottie2Hottie teased us at noon when he was on scene reporting a car wreck. We totally thought he’d break out the bomber. Instead, he threw us a curve with some kind of fancy coat. We’re waiting, Scottie.

And while we got ya, S2H, what was up with the “Buttafoo-cicle” joke? You’ve got a family show there, dude. Keep it clean. Scottie slipped that in after telling us that Joey Butafucco was selling ice cream these days. What were you saying Scottie? That the Long Island Lolita had gotten a few slurps on the ol’ Butafoo-cicle back in the day?

Up a Little River without a paddle
Jon “Punnyman” Le, on his never-ending quest to document every washed up band under the sun, delivered a yawner about the Little River Band playing in some back alley in Flat Rock.

Pssst. Hey, Punnyman. That music was popular 30 frickin years ago, son. Why are you wasting my time with your “Reminiscing” and “Happy Anniversary” puns. Punnyman, you’re the “Lonesome Loser” on this one, buddy.

Larry Hawley
Larry Hawyley is the new sports guy, the sports guy that soooo wants to be on ESPN that he can taste it. But he’s just so … so whitebread that we don’t know if he’s got the chutzpah to make it in the big leagues. He fits right in, though, with boring Stan.

Larry apparently has been working in Milwaukee most recently. Here’s more from his bio, posted on Sinclair’s News Central:

Larry came to Milwaukee in October 2004 from WICD-TV in Champaign , Illinois , were he held a number of positions in two years. He was a sports and news reporter and photographer, a sports anchor and the station’s chief photographer.
While attending the University of Illinois , Larry was heavily involved with media. He was the football and basketball beat reporter for the Daily Illini for three years, covering three Big Ten championships, the MicronPC.Com Bowl, the Nokia Sugar Bowl and two NCAA Tournaments. He also was a reporter for WPGU radio, and was a stringer for Sporting News Radio, the Associated Press and the Daily Herald.

We’ve just gone one thing to say to Larry: Hey Lar, how ’bout them Heels. Hell yeah.