Edgy Mama: The push and pull of single parenting

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

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Hello folks. Today, we’re unveiling the return of Asheville writer Anne Fitten Glenn’s well-known local parenting column, Edgy Mama. Enjoy.

Edgy Mama Redux: Thoughts from under the Single Parenting Bus
By Anne Fitten Glenn

I haven’t written publicly about parenting in more than a year. This after eight years of blogging, four years of a weekly column in Mountain Xpress, and another year of inconsistent columns in the same newsweekly, all loosely probing my experiences as a mom.

What happened to curtail my writing? The same stuff that may have happened to many of you – separation, divorce, figuring out life as a part-time mom, struggling to support myself and my children (financially and emotionally), searching for a job despite kid-sized holes in my resume, dating (sucks), striving for balance while commuting and working long hours, and, but not limited to, dealing with my kids’ coming-of-age dramas. In a word: life.

During my 13 years of marriage, I was lucky enough to need only part-time employment. Enviro-spouse had a great job (Still does, if you’re looking for that. Get down, girl). His work includes extensive travel, and thus, it made sense for me – the oft-underpaid writer, journalist, teacher, and non-profit worker – to stay home with the kids much of the time. It was an embarrassingly traditional model, that, yes, chafed me often. Oh, you’re a stay-at-home writer? Wink, wink.

Without falling too deeply into the obvious cliches, that time with my young kids was memorably precious (Although I have no desire ever again to change a poop-laden diaper, even that of a future baby who shares my DNA. Are you reading this, my offspring?).

The curse of the model, of course, was  once I needed to jump back into the work force, I discovered I’d been set back by those aforementioned kid-sized holes in my resume. I eventually landed an excellent job, but, before that came some scary, even sketchy months. The pinnacle of sketch included six months in a smelly, tiny apartment with a crew of 20-something punks living overhead and windows that rattled in their frames at the slightest breeze. And this was while trying to get used to not being with my kids half the time and dealing with the resultant bewildering grief and loneliness. I can’t even think of anything humorous to say about that time. (Channeling Scarlett O’Hara now, but in need of better lighting).

Today, almost three years after soldiering through a number of swift transitions, I can recognize some pros of single parenting. Number one is that when the kids are mine, they’re mine. There isn’t another parent around to tell me we can’t have popcorn for dinner or play video games all night. I can break the rules if I want. Hell, I can rewrite the rules as needed or throw them on the illegal bonfire in the backyard (Shhhhhh!).

The number two benefit of divorce? Adult alone time. I often tell folks with older children that getting divorced can be liberating in ways they may not have considered. Depending on your situation, you now have time to yourself on a fairly regular basis, as opposed to rarely, which was the case in my marital experience. Of course, getting used to that and learning to appreciate and enjoy it can be a journey in and of itself. Sundays are our kid-trade day, and either equal me getting my kids back (yay) or me getting my single life back (also yay). For a while, I traded the kids for the boyfriend, which, while not an equitable exchange, was fun, for reasons yáll likely can imagine.

While the boyfriend’s now past tense, I do get a thrill of anticipation for most pass-the-kids-back-to-the-ex Sundays. Other Sundays, I’m just sad. I work long hours during my no-kids weeks, but there’s a corresponding freedom to those weeks as well. If the house is a wreck, it’s a wreck. I don’t have to feed anyone except myself (and my pets). I can spend an entire weekend watching Netflix, eating chocolate and drinking beer (OK, many weekends). Some of my married friends are jealous. Sure, divorce is a bad financial decision. It’s emotionally draining. But hey, independence can be exhilarating — just like jumping out of an airplane in the seconds before the parachute deploys.

So why bring back Edgy Mama now? I miss writing. I miss the discipline of the craft. Like many of us, my focus has been fractured by the constant stimulation and variety of the on-line universe. Between work and kids and the rest of life, I don’t have much creative time these days. Forcing myself to sit down and reflect—to practice my craft again—feels luxurious.

And yes, I like stirring pots. I like telling my stories and hearing yours. I like it when readers respond—whether with a laugh, a feeling of identification, or even with anger or constructive criticism.

I like how, as soon as I sit down to write, so many words itch to be tapped out on this keyboard.

Will I continue to write this column? That depends on you, dear readers—both old and new. Tell me your stories, and I’ll tell you (some of) mine.

Long-time journalist & writer Anne Fitten Glenn wrote the book Asheville Beer: An Intoxicating History of Mountain Brewing. She’s currently the East Coast Marketing Director for Oskar Blues Brewery. She lives in Asheville with her kids, her Dorkie Poo mutt, and a refrigerator full of craft beer. Follow her at @brewgasm and @edgymama.