“Asheville Snark for Safety” vents on Craigslist about how not only do Asheville drivers have to deal with black ice, but with igmos on the road who desperately need a second helping of Safe Following Distance and Common Decency.
The rant arrives just in time for an NWS weather statement that Tuesday morning rush hour traffic might be affected by light snow, sleet and freezing rain.
Read it and see if you agree:
If you’ve been seasoned through many a good winter storm, you master the basic skills to safely navigate a variety of conditions. What you can never prepare for, however, is the dickish manner that those with whom you are sharing these serpentine thoroughfares of ours operate their Smug Mobiles during a 32 degree or below meteorological panic attack .
Want some tips, noobs? No- well piss off because you’re getting them anyway:
• Stopping distance: Nope, it’s not a term used by pick up artists. They actually teach this shit, in that class you had to take that gives you that piece of plastic that you use to get in clubs and whatnot. It’s not just a good idea in regular conditions to be several car lengths behind the car in front of you, it’s essential in an Asheville weather event. If I have to slow down or brake, and you’re all up in my business, guess what? At best, you’ll have a long embarrassing call with your insurance company, and maybe your parents. At worst, we’ll be getting to know each other in the messy chaos that EMS will have to sort out. Based on your driving, I’m not keen on meeting you, but definitely not like that.
• Black Ice: Nope, not an asthma inducing scent from some second rate pompous fashionista twit that you douse yourself in at TJ Maxx, like a socially acceptable pepper spray. It’s when water has cunningly frozen on the road’s surface, but still looks like water. You drive toward it like you were gaily skipping about a puddle, but the sudden lack of traction combined with your dumb speed will kill somebody. When it snows, it’s best to assume everything is black ice and it wants to kill you. Be a fucking ninja and slowly but deliberately go over the surface and you’ll be fine. Special note to people with Big Ass Trucks: first, sorry about your penis. Second, I don’t care how big your tires are, but if you thunder down the road like you’re late to the cock fight and hit some serious black ice, there’s no tires on Earth that can sparkle magic their way through physics. Seen lots of flipped trucks in my day. In fact, I work in an ER- most flipped vehicle? Big Ass Truck. Even more diminishing for your manhood.
Read the whole rant here: Open letter to new AVL drivers (snow/ice) (Asheville)
Everything this person says is true. Which is why – even though I have four wheel drive and have lived in places that get “real snow” (Vermont) – I avoid driving in the slightest wintery conditions in Asheville.
Even if you are a very skilled driver in slippery conditions, if the person ahead of you and the person behind you are jack-holes, you are toast.
Stay home, make hot chocolate, read a book. It isn’t worth life and limb to get to work.
GET OFF YOUR GOD DAMN CELL PHONES! YOU DON’T — — USE YOUR BLINKERS CA– — USE YOU ARE ON THOSE FUCKING THINGS!! EVER HEAR OF HANDS-FREE DEVICES? NO, YOU HAVEN’T. LOOK EM UP, DUMB ASSES. CELL PHONES IN HAND SHOULD BE AGAINST THE FUCKING LAW LIKE OTHER STATES. RETARDS
This guy had me all the way up until his run-on sentence. I can now tell two things: He is a die-hard local, born and raised, and whomever he had this run in that inspired the (mostly correct) rant was either a tourist or an ex-pat living here.
This guy is right, but it would be nice if those so die-hard set against others living in this city would remember that those of us that moved here from other places are NOT the devil, and not the cause of everything bad in this city. I, for instance, learned to drive here in these mountains, but I am not originally from Asheville.
But back to basics: He’s right. We get a small dusting of snow here, and people freak out. It’s not quite the crisis situation that everyone imagines it is, but there are those that are overconfident, and those are the ones that usually cause accidents. It’s not always tourists, and it’s not always during inclement weather. How many times have any of us been followed with nothing but ten inches between us and the person behind us on the interstate…on Hendersonville Road? Tailgating is a HUGE problem in this city, and I can’t be the only one that feels that way.
This being said, wonderfully worded rant. I must remember to use “serpentine thoroughfares” one day in a sentence.
Tailgating is a HUGE problem in this city…
So are oblivious people driving below the speed limit in the passing lane.