Back in the saddle: the pope, punking out and pulling a tube

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

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Ok, ok. I know I’ve been gone a week or so. So sue me. They pulled the tube on Terry. The pope petered out. And Rudolph got rooked into pleading guilty.

I’ve been busy.

But I’m back. So here goes.

The Schiavo situation was a travesty.  The government got involved, she was starved to death and died a tabloid death. Sad all around.

As far as Pope John Paul is concerned, I’ll miss the tough ol’ vessel of God. I didn’t much agree with his teachings, but I had respect.

And Rudolph, well, at least he could have put up a court battle.  Here’s a guy who hid out in our Western North Carolina mountains for 5-and-a-half years after planting bombs all over Atlanta and Alabama.  He was on the FBI’s top ten list of most wanted fugitives, and he punks out pleads guilty. Just shows you how much of a chickenshit he really is.

OK, back to the pope. Here are some of the church secrets few know about when it comes to the cardinals gathering to pick a new pope:

– With all the Cardinals eating from the same bag of potato chips, the one who pulls out the most Mary-looking chip automatically gains three votes.

-If a cardinal pierces the flesh around his eyeballs to make it look like he’s crying tears of blood, he’s pope.

-Producers set up  a camera in a “confession booth” that cardinals enter one-by-one to privately talk shit about the other cardinals directly to the television audience.

-Whoever is the lead when Jesse Jackson gets involved wins

(Courtesy of the Asheville Disclaimer)