Ever since a friend told me that making positive lists is good for one’s general well-being, I’ve been writing and posting them to Facebook.
I know that I just posted one of my #positivelists here on Ashvegas yesterday, but then last night I watched the season 8 premier of AMC’s televised action horror drama The Walking Dead, and I was inspired to make a list of some of the ways in which this — truly awful episode — could have potentially been even worse. Just in case you haven’t watched it yet…
Everything between the hashmarks has been cut ‘n’ pasted from my personal Facebook page.
1) The Dialogue – I suppose the dialogue ***could*** have been worse. More implausible, more stylized, more exposition-y… all that definitely would have been much worse. There wasn’t a ton of exposition, actually. There was a LOT, but not a ton. So if there had been a ton THAT would have been worse, So yeah, the dialogue, technically could have been even worse.
2) Old Man Rick’s Beard & Hair – Now, in this case, there’s no doubt, it really COULD have looked a lot more fake. Like, it could have looked super-fake, as in the ol’ hook-on-over-the-ears-Santa-beard style with a crooked British judge’s wig, which both would have looked a lot faker. Or a shaving cream beard with a rag-mop for hair! That would have definitely looked much more fake. So yes, totally true, Old Man Rick’s beard and hair could have looked faker.
3) The Acting – If amateurs had been hired to act this show out, or children, or professional wrestlers, then the acting would ***probably*** have been worse. This one’s not as clear-cut as the Old Man Rick’s fake beard and hair one, but I’m pretty sure that if this episode had been acted out in silent pantomime, or by robots, or… by… taxidermied toads with tiny Mariachi instruments stapled to their faces… then the acting would have probably, most likely, perhaps been much worse.
4) The Big Plan – Seriously? ***That*** was the big fucking plan?!? The plan that we’ve been waiting for you to come up with for, like, ever… RICK?!? . ___ . I suppose it ***could*** have been worse. It could have involved secretly building an armada of fortified trucks right under the noses of your constant oppressors, and then easily taking-out their five “hidden” outposts… and… wait, that was the actual plan, and I’m supposed to be coming up with an even worse plan, so yeah, I suppose that if the big plan had involved an orangutan named Clyde, it would have been even stupider.
5) Tara’s Twizzler – Tara… Gurl… either chew-up and swallow that fucking Twizzler, or spit it the fuck out. Period. Buhhhht, I suppose it could have been worse. If Tara was chewing on a dookie, for example, instead of a Twizzler, that would have been worse, because a dookie is worse than a Twizzler
6) Carl’s Eye-patch – I suppose if it was made out of masking tape or wet newspapers Carl’s eye-patch would be worse.
7) The Battle – Did anyone actually die in this battle? No? Yes? I’ll have to watch it again, but I do know that no one ***major*** died, when in fact it would have been a great opportunity to trim some unneeded fat. #Gregory #Eugene #Rick I suppose it could have been worse though. If it had been a pillow fight. Or if they had just dumped all 2-bazillion bullets they wasted into a hole instead of shooting them through super-cool guns and stuff.
8) Negan’s Hiding Place – Hey, Negan, you don’t wanna lock the door to the really super-fucking-flimsy trailer you’re hiding out in? Because, you’re kinda lucky that only Father Chickenshits got in, and not the ten thousand zombies roaming around outside. Ugh. More really bad writing. But in the spirit of this list… It ***could*** have been worse! If Negan was hiding in a tiny fishbowl, or under a plaid blanket, or inside of an imaginary box, those three things would have been worse.
All in all, I think you’ll have to agree with me upon reading my list, that the season 8 opener of AMC’s Walking Dead really could have been so much worse than it was. Kudos to all involved!
Yeah, I’m an even bigger dick about TV shows than I am about over-cooked gnocchi. And yes, sometimes I do use my #positivelists in a sarcastic manner, and I am actually… get this… expressing negative thoughts. Go figure!
Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.
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