facebook_food_critic_2013Before we get to this week’s installment of Stu Helm, Facebook Food Critic, here’s a quick update from Tod Tasties. Stu’s review of Tod’s generated a lot of comments, and Tod’s was listening:

!We had such an intimate, uplifting, and fun seated dinner last night! We will be doing more of these in the spring with guest chefs from all around, and we are excited to bring this new element to Tods! Also, we heard about our online review from Asheville’s freelance food critic, and we just wanted to announce that we started making plans to change our entrance and ordering process about a month ago, and it will be completed in February 2014. So you will be able toenjoy your awesome food and coffee after a pleasant circular waiting in line experience. Happy fall, Montford!

Now here we go:

Bull & Beggar – River Arts District

Yum. No, waitaminute: super-yum!

It was a little hard to find, but we persevered, placed a call from the parking lot, and finally got there. Our efforts were rewarded! The decor was nice, the lighting was just dim enough to be romantic, the staff was friendly and professional from greeting to good-bye, and the food, as previously mentioned was super-yum.

I got the chicken. I love chicken. I eat a lot of chicken. Chicken chicken chicken, gimme chicken. At Bull & Beggar they do a roasted chicken with red currents, chanterelle mushrooms, something called “bread sauce”, and something else called “game crumb.” It was fucking amazing. Like, I-wanted-to-shove-my-face-in-the-bowl-and-lick-up-every-last-bit-of-game-crumb-and-bread-sauce amazing.

My only complaint is a small one about plating. As in: I would have preferred a plate to a bowl. Bowls are for soup, ice cream, and Alpo. I always feel like the family dog when I eat solid food out of a giant bowl. But shit, man, I’d get on my hands and knees and eat that chicken out of a red plastic dish that says “Fido” on the side. It was fucking good.

The ladies both got the mountain trout, and it was excellent too. Cooked to perfection, light, moist, flavorful… even the skin was delish. Plus it came with sea beans! The taste of sea beans whisked me back to ol’ Cape Cod, where them shits would grow wild in the back yard. Everyone agreed that the chicken was something special and when I go back — which I will — I’ll get it again… and again…

Oh, dessert: there were three on the menu, we ordered them all, but they ran out of one, so we got two. I can’t recall what they were, and I guess we weren’t blown-away, but I remember that we enjoyed them well enough.

Mmmm… chicken

Bojangle’s

BoJangles – Merrimon Ave., Asheville “Dude, you always come over, and the first thing you do is take a shit in my toilet. You live, like, a block away. Why don’t just shit at home before you come over?” “I’ve been stopping at BoJangles on the way.” I paraphrase, but that is a totally 100 percent true story.

Stu Helm is an artist and writer living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing restaurant reviews strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook in 2013.stu_helm_2013

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9 Comments

  1. Rave on, taste on and truth is freedom! Finally real critiques of Asheville’s culinary scene that are not tainted by the payola of ad money. Be brave, be honest and keep em coming!

  2. Yeah, ;you were doing great until Bojangles dude. You lost me there. Perhaps you just got a little excited about your new found fame on the world renowned Ashvegas Blog and thought you could say anything?

  3. Some things you may not know about chickens:

    Do you coo over babies? Then start pinching the cheeks on your lunch or dinner, because chickens are killed for their flesh at just 6 or 7 weeks old.

    Speaking of babies, male chicks born into the egg industry are killed the day they are born. They are deemed worthless because birds raised for eggs and those raised for flesh have both been genetically manipulated to maximize profits, and egg industry birds don’t grow like their brothers and sisters raised for their meat. Every year, millions of them are tossed into trash bags to suffocate or are thrown into high-speed grinders called “macerators” while they are still alive.

    When you eat an egg, you’re eating a chicken’s period. Really. Unfertilized eggs are chicken menstruation.

    Decreased penis size in male infants has been linked to the phthalates in the chicken meat and eggs that their mothers ate during pregnancy. And, speaking of penises, is yours drooping? That’s probably because of the high levels of cholesterol in chicken and eggs, which block blood flow to the body’s organs. Hearts aren’t the only organs to fail from excess cholesterol.

    Just like man’s best friend, chickens are pack animals with adept communication skills, distinct personalities, and an intense love for their families. Maybe we should be walking chickens instead of eating them.

    Science Daily reported that researchers have found a strong link between the E. coli bacteria found in the chicken sold in restaurants and supermarkets and urinary tract infections.

    Much of the chicken that goes to the National School Lunch Program is “canned, boned, and diced” meat that comes from spent hens who were discarded by the egg industry, because their flesh is too tough and stringy to be used for anything else. Dig in, kids!

    Bon Appetit!

  4. The first rule of food critic bowel movements is you don’t talk about food critic bowel movements.

    • I feel compelled to explain that I was not the shitter in the above review, but the owner of the befouled toilet. I have never eaten at a Bojangs in my life and I never will.

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