Jason Sandford
Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.
Yes, WLOSers are people, too. We know them. We love them. They have needs and wants, too. Ashvegas has come into possession of the WLOS staff’s secret Santa list. So, in the spirit of the holiday, we share. If you know anything else they’ve been asking for, do tell.
Victoria Dunkelhead: A neck brace (to hold her head still); more air time to showcase family photos and a framed photo of her secret lover, Kermit the Frog; fewer Crap Corner segments at noon.
Susan Munday Morning Blues: a better schedule, so she doesn’t have to report so damn early.
Jay Sizzler: a personality; Bob Cobweb’s job.
Bob Cobweb: more of the magic mushrooms he found in a ‘secret mountain cave’; restraining order against Jay Sizzler; more food to take home from the Carolina Kitchen; new apron to replace the grease-stained one he has now.
Julie Blunder: autographed photo of her hero Mike Bettes; whatever playbook Bettes used to get out of WLOS; certificate of graduation from on-line Weather Guesser school; lifetime supply of sugarless gum and lip gloss; someone else to do the Saturday morning show.
Mike “Cabanna Boy” Cuevas: better last name, same online diploma from Weather Guesser school; a clue.
Sheraldo Barber: new ‘McGruff the Crime Dog’ hat; year’s subscription to all the local newspapers so he can continue to steal story ideas; a clue; hypnosis, so he won’t feel the need to scream that every report is “LIVE!”
Russ “Beefcake” Bowen: renewed gym membership; “Get out of the Waynesville Bureau” free card. Scottie2Hottie’s anchor desk chair.
Michelle Boudin: big blue overcoat to match her big red one; endless supply of sex offenders on which to do stories about them living close to local parks.
Mary Jedlooka: pronunciation guide so Larry can say her name right; more TV time in Asheville; love of everyone in Polk and Rutherford County (wait, she’s already got that because she’s actually one of their better reporters)
Holly Headache: better schedule so she can report more; elevator shoes; pet turtle.
Chachi Khumaria: water pipe; pack of 5.0s; various paraphernalia; downtown parking pass so she won’t have to wait to pick up her take-out from Tupelo Honey; pronunciation guide so Larry can say her name right; new furry hat; new holiday named for you – Charuhannakamas.
Jon “PunnyMan” Le: new pun book (old one is worn out); DVD of “how to be a wacky TV mo-fo”; improved opening animation to “Absolut-Le Corny” segments; autographed photo of college pal Will Ferrell (or a cameo in his new movie shooting in Charlotte); inner peace.
Scottie2Hottie: new leather bomber jacket with Carolina Bobcats logo on it; humility; squeaky toy for cat named Pootie.
Candy Cane Little: coffee table book on Miss Georgia pageant; reprieve from “Road Rebels” segments; weekends off; big house in Charlotte with Scottie; gift certificate to Babys ‘R’ Us.
Stan “Super Mario” Pamfillis: Nintendo Gamecube; mustache wax; first class plane ticket to Super Bowl (without Jen-X this time).
Tallahasee Tammy Watford: new co-anchor; new “smart-girl” glasses.
Larry Bluntman: pronunciation guide for reporters names and local towns; new hairpiece (at least one more realistic than Diva Darcel’s); membership at Candler strip club Der Spanken Haus for “Dirty Little Secret II: Electric Boog-a-loo” series to air during next sweeps period.
Diva Darcel: new weave (at least one more realistic than Bluntman’s); book on “how to report in the field;” humility; fruit basket to re-gift to Ken and Barbie when they move away next month.
And to all photographers, producers, editors, floor folks, audio and promter people at “Western North Carolina’s News Reader:” a lifetime subscription to Ashevilleblog.com so they can continue to read about their station.
Coming soon: WLOS’ New Year’s resolutions
NOTE: Whoever found this list, yer brazilliant. Thanks dude. Merry Charuhannakamas!!!
Believe what you want but being a good friend of his family, I can assure you he ‘legally’ changed his name as well as his family for only personal reasons. Nothing to do with TV.
Let’s don’t forget that the Count already has a better last name (Simon), but it doesn’t make him sound ethnic enough to try and convince people he’s Latino. And no way am I buying that BS about it being a tribute to his Spanish wife’s family name.
You can buy a clue? And personality? Way cool.
I did hear this weekend that you can buy biceps and pecs–without working out!
Amazing world we live in…
O, Merry Christmas, Ash.
Merry Christmas!! If you hear anything good going on this New Years Eve, let me know. Me and the girl child are thinking about heading over to Big City for the festivities.