The fine print

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

1

Bulldog’s on a roll:

Apparently in the zest of target anti-WalMart sentiment, the media in Asheville overlooked the fine print in the demands made by The Asheville School recently when it ordered the city to enact restrictions on a proposed WalMart in its neighborhood.

Among the school’s demands were that WalMart sell no firearms or ammunition, that it erect a security fence that would screen The Asheville School’s students, and that it pay for additional security guards, presumably to keep the WalMart riff-raff away from school grounds.

What the media failed to report were The Asheville School’s other demands. But thanks to an anonymous source who was spurned after a brief but torrid affair with a faculty member on the school’s wrestling mats, the rest of The Asheville School’s email has been revealed. Its demands included:

1. The WalMart stuff, of course.
2. That the Goodwill store replace the sign on its building with one that reads “The Polo Store” so as to be more attractive to prospective students’ parents when they visit.
3. That mobile home and storage building dealers be relocated west of the I-40 Enka exit, and that sales offices for Biltmore Lake be established on their former sites.
4. That McDonald’s eliminate its Big Mac and other meat menus and sell only salads and pastas.
5. That the Pizza Hut stop beer sales after 3 p.m.
6. That used car dealers on Smoky Park Highway move their Chevys and Fords to another location, and sell only Volvos and BMWs.
7. That the DMV office issue licenses to Mexican immigrants only between the hours of 5 and 6 am on Saturdays.
8. That the nearby bowling lanes eliminate the red and green rental shoes, and replace them with cordovan Guccis.
9. That all pharmacies within a mile both east and west of campus remove remove their condoms from any open counter displays.
10. That all convenience stores that sell beer, wine or lottery tickets be restricted to sales only on weekends.

The demands were signed by Archibald (Arch) Montgomery, Der Headmaster.
Bulldog