There’s nothing I like better than watching a rat gnawing its own leg off to try to get out of the trap it stupidly set up in the first place.

The Rat

Take the latest flap over the humor column in Dook University’s college paper. The “Monday, Monday” column was yanked recently after somebody finally said enough is enough. That someone was no doubt close to Coach K, if not the Rat himself.

The column was pulled because it allegedly crossed the line of good taste. Give me a break! Ever been to Cameron? Those punks cross the line every home game with their vile chants (remember the Scott Williams chant?) and shitty, petty behavior.

Not to mention Coach K himself. The Rat snarls, yells, cajoles and fires off so many f-bombs that it’s not even funny. Let’s just say that Dean Smith, he’s not.

You go to a no-class school, watch a no-class coach and of course you’re going to write a no-class column. These guys are just doing what they’re taught.

I’d seen one column from earlier this basketball season that made the rounds among us Dook haters. It listed 10 questions NOT to ask Coach K, and it sent him up royally. Which is why us Carolina folks loved it so. And we couldn’t believe it was coming from the Dook camp.

Here’s the list, as written by the column’s author, Tommy Seabass. The name is a pseudonym and covers several writers. The custom has been to reveal the writers at the end of the year. Guess that won’t happen this year – you can read the Dook newspaper editor’s lame-ass excuse for pulling the column for yourself.

1. Coach K, with all due respect, couldn’t a well-trained chimp have coached the players you’ve had over the past three years to just two Sweet Sixteens and one Final Four?

2. Coach K, a columnist for the Raleigh News and Observer was recently criticized for describing forward Shavlik Randolph as a “dud.” Which of the following words do you believe serves as a better description of Randolph, given his career at Duke:

A. disappointment

B. letdown

C. lemon

D. bust

3. Throughout your career, you have been accused of burning out your players and leaving them unable to perform at a competitive level once in the NBA. And while Blue Devil players are now starting to play better in the pros, they also tend to be leaving Duke early. Have you observed a reverse correlation between the quality of your players’ performance in the NBA and the amount of time they’ve spent under your iron fist?

4. Does Reggie Love’s return to the team foretell an increased enrollment for the exclusive basketball “fraternity” ‘Phi-Drinka-Forty,’ the group Love and Chris Duhon started for the apparent purposes of binge drinking and squandering NBA and NFL talent?

5. Coach Krzyzewski, you often respond to criticism about your inflated ego, hostile treatment of referees, and foul language by citing the amount of money you have given to charity. Are we to conclude from this that you consider writing checks a proper substitute for common human decency?

6. Coach K, TOMMY SEABASS does not have a father that is co-owner of an NBA franchise, but he did have better high school stats than walk-on Joe Pagliuca. Is it still possible for TOMMY SEABASS to become a “favor player” and take up space on your bench?

7. Coach Krzyzewski, which is more artificial: your left hip or your respect for the Cameron Crazies? Along those lines, which is more artificial: your right hip or your friendship with Bob Knight?

The evil one

8. Coach Krzyzewski, the 1992 men’s basketball Olympic team featured 11 of the greatest NBA players ever and Christian Laettner. And while NBA coaches Chuck Daly and Lenny Wilkins obviously had authority when it came to on-the-court decisions, you allegedly used your clout to secure the Dream Team’s 12th spot for Laettner instead of Shaquille O’Neal. Do you believe that the respective NBA careers of the two have justified the arguments you used, or should you have yielded to your superiors on the matter?

9. Coach, you often speak about doing things the right way and holding yourself to a higher standard than other programs. Which action by a former player of yours better exemplifies this: Carlos Boozer tricking a blind man for a $68 million contract, or Quinn Snyder giving gifts to prospective Missouri players? And as a follow up, will either of these individuals be speaking at your ethics forum this year?

10. Coach K, would you say that your decision to add Reggie Love to this year’s roster came more from his abilities as an off-the-court role model for Duke University, or the 5 more fouls he adds to your gameplan?

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