Good Friday news finale

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

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Who needs the Neuticle News when we’ve had a news day like we’ve had? Read on, my pretties…

Bangin’ North Buncombe High

There’s a whole lot of sex going on at North Buncombe High School these days. Those crazy Blackhawks are bangin’ everything in sight. Actually, we should say that teachers there are bangin’ everything in sight.

A couple of months ago, an ROTC instructor got nabbed for doin’ the nasty with a student. Yesterday, WLOSers told us that a 22-year-old teacher’s assistant got busted for bustin’ loose with a 19-year-old student. A school official said the TA, Heather, was fired Tuesday.

The sex happened earlier this month, off school premises. And WLOSers reminded us that the age of the parties involved doesn’t matter. It is against the law for a teacher to have sex with a student, because that would be taking advantage.

Still, where’s the crime? Somebody, help me, please. You put a young hottie named Heather in close proximity to other young hotties, what do you think is going to happen?

WLOSers showed us some sexy pictures taken from the girl’s myspace.com blog. We’ve sampled a few photos here, as you can see.

We’ve also decided the poor girl should be able to speak for herself. So here’s a sample, also copied from her web site:

Jessica Simpson–I’m way more stupid than she is and she is famous for it (I should have been famous a long time ago–my friends yall know me and the TUNA thing go way back!!), Jennifer Anniston–how could you not love her, Cameron Diaz–she’s wonderful, OPRAH–I Love Oprah! Jesus–thank you for doing what you did for me! Justin Clinard and Heather Vick(you’ll always be Vick to me girl!) because you live your life’s with no regrets and how you want to! I love you both for it! Britney Spears because everyone used to tell me I looked like her back in the day!!! What do you think??

By the way, we at Ashvegas are thinking of making Heather here our official spokesmodel. We hear she’s looking for work.

The semen heaver
“Drop your neuticles and put your hands up!”

That’s what the in-store dective at Kohl’s yelled at a guy busted recently for slapping a glob of semen on a woman. Ok, not really. But if we can’t have a castration update on Master Rick and Dungeon Dan, we’ll take this.

So yeah, a guy wiped some jizz on a woman’s backside. The detective said she knew immediately because she suddenly smelled a hot sprout sandwich, exactly what semen smells like. Ok, she didn’t really say that about the hot sprout sandwich. But isn’t that what semen smells like?

The weirdo also shot his wad out of a straw and hit a woman in the back of the head. Both women were brunettes, by the way, so all you dark-haired beauties out there, watch your back.

WLOSers went out and interviewed the dude’s mother-in-law. Yeah, he’s married. She said he was a very quiet, polite young man. But that tossing off, then tossing it around, was kinda sick. Ok, she didn’t say that exactly. But you know what we mean.

Energy Loop moved
Ashvegas’ first public piece of art, the Energy Loop on City-County Plaza, was moved because of all the construction to rebuild the square. Nobody’s sure where the metal structure is going. But it’s a great little piece and should be treated with respect.

In serious news
A man from Asheville was killed in Iraq by a suicide bomber. Kenneth “Kenny” Hess was a Reynolds High School graduate who joined the Army a few years ago. He was assigned to the 4th Squadron, 14th Cavalry Regiment, 172nd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, based out of Fort Wainwright, Alaska.