Here we go! Here’s the second installment of what I hope will be an ongoing collaboration between Ashvegas and the popular whatshouldashevillecallme. Known for their quippy, hilarious takes on all things Asheville,whatshouldashevillecallme was voted the most popular local social media personality in the recent Best Of issue of the Mountain Xpress. Follow wsavlcallme on the twitters.
As an observer and scientist of Asheville life, I present to you, some of my field research of the specific species who inhabit this crazy city we live in called Asheville. Yes, stereotypes are shortcuts to prejudice and that’s bad – unless you create your own! Treat this one like a scavenger hunt. Can you find all species in the same day? Remember to comment and tag-and-release your friends to call them out. It’s what the interwebz is for!
1. Binomial Nomenclature: Homo Sapien Hula Patchoula
Like a gyrating phoenix rising from the ashes of discarded glow sticks and incense Patchouli is the ever social no-bra-dancing-girl humping her hula hoop. Transformus is the traditional mating ground of this species. You have probably encountered this beast as she frequents the Friday drum circle, every EDM music festival, and once was arrested for trying to buy Ecstasy from a troupe of traveling Whirling Dervishes who she confused with Burning Man devotees. You have been entranced by her pendulous breasts with no support, anxiously awaiting for the hippie nip slip to take your gaze away from her chia-pits.
2. Homo Sapien Hoppianus
Oh, you again. The beer that I’m pouring in my face isn’t good enough for you? Good thing you’re not the one drinking it. Inordinately proud of their beard and beer gut (the two shall eventually meet), they are the ultimate authority on all things craft beer. You know this person, you might even be this person, but let’s admit that they spend way too much time sniffing beer in order to make estimates of the hop quality, making the one up comments to bartenders who really don’t give a fuck, and just have that pretentious smirk as they walk to the bar with their specific brewery growler. There’s an unspoken rule: when offered a beer, one is only allowed to complain about the temperature. You argue this one out with your fellow hoppiansuses while I crack a cold ‘Gansett with the rest of the plebeians.
3. Homo Sapien Nativium
There are always one of these in every group: they are the person that grew up here (they let you know every chance they get) and have the utmost authority on all things Asheville. They often complain about all the changes of Asheville, and that Asheville is changing ‘for the worse” but they will never move away to that big city “Charlotte.” You constantly bang your head in conversations with them as they inform you what cooler bar this place used to be, how Vincent’s was the entirety of 1960s Greenwich Village rolled into one, how Spyboy was the best speakeasy you weren’t cool enough to know about. Move away already, or go back to your actual hometown of Candler because you’re not fooling anybody.
4. Homo Sapien Hipster Obscurum
This type of creature has a fondness for hunting through The Bins at Goodwill, proudly displays their collection of moldy fedoras and vintage keffiyehs, and can be spotted standing outside Lexington Avenue establishments chain-smoking cigarettes. They have obscure musical tastes that they always interject in simple conversations to show dominance in groups. I’ve actually heard “This Danish pastry reminds me of the psychedelic rock scene in 70s Denmark. Fujara, specifically.” Surprisingly, you have to dress like a 1980s garbage collector to have a one-night-chance with that bisexual alcoholic New York 6 / Asheville 10 girl with one side of her head shaved.
5. Homo Sapien Barefoot Bohemian
The white entitled trust fund hippie is another sub-species created by cross breeding the obscure hipster with the environmentalist. Their worldviews change with every Humanities 124 reading in college, often protest the constraints of oppression by not wearing shoes to class, and force feed their liberal worldviews in every night class discussion at college (chill, we get a 20 minute break). They come up with the most extreme liberal-environmental-lack of diversity argument in every discussion you have but then realize they are constantly in a hazy cloud of hash smoke and their parents run a nanotechnology company.
6. Homo Sapien Patchwork Skirt Hippie Mamas
They insist on all organic local vaccinations for their children if any at all, make their own baby tie dye shirts and lavender milled soaps as a side project, and often reflect on the meaning of life near their composting piles outside. The hippie mamas are proud of the endless nights sewing their reusable diapers while watching their one PBS station about organic tomato farming from around the world. They wear their nicest Solstice dress skirt on their romantic dates with their bearded farmer husbands at the recycling center. Their children are already growing dreadlocks and can hold their own in a climate change debate.
7. Homo Sapien Mumfords
The ‘white mountain dude with banjo’ frequents every bluegrass band that comes to the Grey Eagle as it is their prime mating ritual destination. How they attract their mountain mamas include wearing their best flannel, the ever so sexy wool sock/Birkenstock combo, and have at least one skill in these categories: banjo, ultimate frisbee, or winning cornhole with a beer in one hand. They can be found at impromptu jam band porch sessions in any neighborhood, cruising the craft beer aisles at Ingles in their worn Carhartts, the Contra-Dance, or driving around town in their truck with a Huskie mutt hanging out the window. Ironically, they hate Mumford and Sons because of the drums. Wrong. The reason to hate Mumford and Sons is Mumford and Sons.
8. Homo Sapien Hobo Buskus
They just got off the train in Biltmore and walked up to Lexington to play a Will Roger’s song and try and score some free food for their dog. Not to be confused withHomo Sapiens Seventy Three Centus, who is just trying to score a beer on your dime,Hobo Buskus actually has an ideological belief in living anywhere but home. They smell bad, but they transport actual folk music from place to place and rarely get in knife fights. They often appear with inexplicably attractive-if-you-cleaned-
9. Homo Sapien Crystal Yogi
After a recent divorce or just in a chronic state of transition, this person has discovered all things New Age. They’ve changed their to name to Skye (silent e of course!) and talk to you about the goddess within til your ears bleed rainbows. A full believer in the healing powers of crystals, the rooms in their Craftsman style Montford houses are filled with glistening amethyst geodes, Tibetan prayer flags, and an extra meditation room with a sun ray tapestries. You do not understand their sheer excitement for 7 AM Bikram Yoga as you haven’t even seen 7 AM in three years. The crystal yogi is often seen in their natural habits of the wellness aisles of Greenlife, stocking up on herbal supplements for their aura as told to them from their metaphysical directories.
10. Homo Sapiens Social Media Expertus
You really need to work on your personal brand! You don’t have enough Twitter followers to engage your community. Your use of hashtags is downright Jurassic (*cough* #Belieber *cough*) and if you pay this species, you no longer have to stay up at night wondering how your LinkedIn account is creating synergy with your Instagram and OMG did I accidentally public tweet that Carlos Danger DM from my business Twitter? Social Media Expertus will tell you they can help, and then tell you about that time they met a ‘famous’ green architect and how every 140 characters needs to have a ‘call to action.’ They often use the phrase “blogging is just a form of self expression.” Get these people to “work” for free. Or just learn to use the internet your damn self. Your mad skillz on OKCupid don’t count. Hashtag time! #socialmedia #instagram #boobs #hotchick #followback #LOCAL #MOVERS