whatshouldavlcallme: What if Asheville served as the setting for hit TV shows?


The latest from whatshouldavlcallme. Enjoy!

If Asheville was featured as the backdrop on some TV shows, it might be like this:

1. Portlandia

I know – it is basically us – but let us imagine some of the scenarios ASHEVILLE STYLE BABY!

-Fred and Carrie start a traveling slam poetry/circus troupe. Performs at Firestorm Cafe to two customers. They decide to take the show on the road in the World Happiness bus. The bus breaks down in a small backwoods mountain town in WNC. They decide to become potters instead, selling mugs/bowls with art deco designs of sexual positions. They return to Asheville and  becomes eccentric reclusive millionaires in a mansion by the Grove Park Inn.

-Fred and Carrie are tourists trying to read a map of Asheville to find the perfect lunch spot in town but somehow end up as leaders in a protest at Vance Monument for “Veterans  for Peace and also Against Sodastream as well as Against Vaccines.” (It’s a new group.)

-Fred and Carrie get lost in the Civic Center parking deck, accidentally find  one of Asheville’s vortexes and get sucked into another dimension of Asheville in the late 1880s. They become farmers and start the entire whole “Farm to Table” trend.

-Instead of brunch wars, it is now fight-to-the-death in “Asheville Goodwill Bin Wars.” Fred and Carrie also become Asheville’s first  homeless fashion designers with found materials of wrappers, old blunt wraps and stolen guerilla knitted wears.

-Fred and Carrie decide to go tubing on the French Broad river, but encounter the “Tubing Gang” a select few who control the waters by making people throw them a new type of beer at every stop. Carrie gets separated during the tubing excursion and is kidnapped by a local coven of pagan hippie mamas. She becomes their new leader.

2. Breaking Bad

Walt loses his Chemistry job at Asheville High. Walt Jr. does not want to move away because Asheville is the perfect breakfast food destination. Skyler works for a small eco-publishing firm. Walt decides to go into Candler to learn about making meth, hires a former student, Jesse, who was working at Hot Spot to assist him in the meth business. Hijinks are bound to happen, such as: The mountain hillbilly mafia; Jesse’s year of being addicted to pure moonshine; and the owner of Rocky’s Hot Chicken Shack definitely has some secrets. Let us not forget Skyler’s sister, who is definitely batshit crazy on collecting crystals and yoga Groupon deals. Hank probably lives down Leicester and is the one collecting all the “missing evidence” from the Asheville Police Department.

3. Sex and the City

Carrie tries to make Sophie magazine hip with her sex column,  Miranda works at a law firm, Samantha sleeps with every tourist in town, and Charlotte sells her basket weavings/pottery  at the porticos outside Grove Arcade. But what sexy hijinks do these girls do on a regular basis? Drinking every Cosmo in town while regular Ashevillians judge them on their drink choices, brunches at Carmel’s, and basically fucking their way to the top while also making lots of puns. Lots and lots of puns. So  many puns. “Oh man, he was hung just like the Vance Monument.” “Tingle Alley? More like titillating alley!” And, “As I began to think about my sexy night at Moogfest, I often wondered – was the man behind the man I slept with just a metaphor for all the men I slept with…hiding behind a mask?”  The gals also never talk to any other ethnicity unless they are doing their nails or giving massages. Hey, they make a perfect fit in town actually.

4.   The Real Housewives of Biltmore Forest

So many bored Southern Belle,aka “three years of taking cotillion lessons”  housewives, so little time here at The Real Housewives of Biltmore Forest. Changes have been made during Season Two due to the closing of their favorite cougar hook up spot – Magnolia’s. To make sure the cougars of Asheville are having fun, a mid-season replacement wife is brought in – good ole’ Queen B of Biltmore Forest, moving back for good: Andie “Please. Call me Rose” McDowell. I just imagine all the fights during random Asheville charity events, many driving-on-Hendersonville-Road screenshots, as well as at least one housewife taking in a hippie gardener at her love slave. “We are so different, hehe, but I could not resist his dreadlocks and smell of dirt and blue collar work ethic.”

5.  Weeds

Nancy totally got her start in selling weed to…. basically every person in Asheville. She totally opened up a fake Olive Oil tasting room downtown as a drug front cover up. (Side note: why are there so many here? Do we really need olive oil tasting rooms?)  So many people enjoyed the “olive oil” that she had to expand into all of WNC.  The mountain hillbilly meth mafia from  Breaking Bad & Co.  make another cameo in this television show as she begins to face the ultimate show own in Season Three as the main drug kingpin of Western North Carolina. People Nancy sleeps with to get ahead and spread her product: all white hip-hop rappers; Franklin Graham; one of the Cecil brothers; and probably some of the lesbian mafia in town. Nancy  also changes her style in Asheville from constantly holding a plastic iced-coffee cup to a more environmentally friendly reusable cup.


mortheus December 10, 2013 - 9:01 am


Z December 7, 2013 - 4:20 am

Olive Oil tasting rooms!!! Brilliant!!! Yeah, WTF so many?
I would watch a show, like a comedy drama, about local Asheville artists and what lengths they go to sell their stuff. Or a reality show about photographer Micah McKenzie, he has to have a crazy life.
No shows about beer though. No more.

Big Al December 9, 2013 - 5:39 pm

“…a comedy drama, about local Asheville artists and what lengths they go to sell their stuff.”

Like “Slings and Arrows”, only with potters and painters instead of Shakespearean actors. Brilliant!

Big Al December 6, 2013 - 7:58 pm

How about a cop series about an understaffed, overworked P.D. whose managers treat the rank and file like slave labor; the dutiful patrol officers must endure the rancor of a community of “oppressed” potheads; the chief is an contraversial and incompetent minority hired for affirmative action; the evidence room is a mess that takes months if not years and thousands of dollars to fix, and the public still doesn’t know how it got that way or if it is fixed yet; the police union members demand solutions while the union boss kisses the asses of the chief and city council; and the SWAT (SWimming in Adolescent Testosterone) team occasionally “tactically assaults” downtown with pyrotechnics without warning the public.

Great idea for a dramatic cop show?

Or maybe a comedy.

Oh, wait, this is REALITY TV!

Dmitri Ravinoff December 6, 2013 - 1:02 pm

Funny as always, but…

Will somebody, anybody, for the love of all that’s good & holy, give these posts an edit?! One, simple, edit? The atrocious grammar, misspelled words, and general lolspeak of the writing make me cringe everytime.

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