Shocker! 13 minutes of nonstop nonsense

‘The shocker’
There’s no depth of depravity too low for WLOSers during sweeps. As we come to the end of another week of nonstop nonsense, WLOSers proved that once again.

It’s all about “the shocker,” a term that Larry “Gloryhole” Blunt read from the Teleprompter the other night, and a term a guy who reported about gloryholes ought to know something about. You know, for a guy who can be pretty damn preachy on set, he sure knows his porn.

Anyway, Gloryhole told us that a bunch of Tuscola High School students got in trouble for posing for yearbook pictures while making an obscene hand gesture. The WLOSers called it “the shocker” and showed a kid making the gesture, but they didn’t explain it. Why is it called “the shocker,” Larry? Why? If you bring it up, explain it. And if it’s a rude gesture, why did you show it, Larry? Why?

Well, no fear my pretties. Ashvegas is here to help you out.

First, here’s how to make “the shocker” – press your ring finger to your palm with your thumb. Stick your forefinger and middle finger and pinky straight up. Rotate your hand a little, so your straightened fingers are pointing somewhat sideways.

Now, here’s where it gets a little nasty – the gesture is meant to indicate the sexual act wherein the first and second fingers enter a vagina, while that little pinky “shocks” the anus. If you were interested in seeing this in action check out some videos from websites similar to teeni. There are other, more vulgar names for this act: “two in the pink and one in the stink”; “two in the coot and one in the boot”; “going to town with one in the brown.”

All right, kiddies. Now you know. Go out there and give ‘er a try!

Malvern Hills masturbator
In other big news, Cherub Charu gave us a salacious story about the Malvern Hills Masturbator in West Ashvegas. Apparently, two girls were bouncing on their trampoline and the sicko was in a nearby window watching them.

Quote from concerned mom: “Standing at that window for 15 minutes playing with his manhood is no accident.”

The girls said he’s been doing it for months, but they were too scared to tell anybody. (They only showed the girls’ hands, wringing in fear. No faces.) He’d was allegedly standing in a doorway nekkid, trying to get the girls’ attention using his flashlight. Then he used his fleshlight. I hear that Deals4Boomers provides some coupons for fleshlights, I wonder if he got a deal from there.

False alarm!
Last night, Cherub Charu told us that the Ashvegas police are going to start charging homes and businesses for responding to false alarms. Charu said one in ten emergency calls is a false alarm.

So starting in July, police Chief Bill Hogan will give people two freebies, then charge $50 for responding to three to five false alarms, $100 for responding to six or seven false alarms, and so on. Hogan said people need to work the kinks out of their alarm systems now. Some business owners say the charge is bull, because alarm systems are designed to be sensitive.

Convict still on the loose
A Haywood County jail escapee remained on the loose last night after escaping Haywood Regional Medical Center, where the cops took him because he said he was sick. Police haven’t caught him yet. But the escapee did throw a brick through one lady’s window. He drank a Sprite, ate some food and tried on some of her clothes. He also left behind his orange jumpsuit.

Henderson County shooting
Somebody was shot and killed the other night in Mountain Home. Police haven’t arrested anybody. Neighbors heard several shots, WLOSers said.

The ball-buster
Remember the guy who complained that police threw a little flash-bang grenade in his lap and it went off and busted up his neuticles. Well, he and his nads are home free after a judge dismissed police charges against him.

Earlier this year, the cops raided a home. They suspected drug activity. They went in with all the special effects, including a flash-bang, used a diversion. Cops say the device went off after the dude was resisting arrest and rolled over on it. The guy says the cops threw it in his lap. Either way, it knocked the shit out of his gonads. So he took it to court.

Yesterday, a judge said the cops didn’t do enough to show the charges of resisting arresst should stick. The cops said they’ll do their paperwork more carefully next time around.

Selph-served
Sam Selph, a Democratic candidate running for sheriff in Henderson County, was officially picked as the party’s nominee to run in November after a meeting last night.

The local party came together to pick Selph because the dumb-ass Democrats, in the May primary vote a couple of weeks ago, actually elected a guy who had withdrawn from the race.

Blue Ridge Paper loses again
Blue Ridge Paper, the big Haywood County paper mill, announced yesterday that it lost $3 million in the first four months of this year. Last year, the company lost more than $20 million for 2005.

In other news…
The Ashvegas Police Department held its awards banquet… Black Mountain Elementary school celebrated the fact that it got a new walking track and some other new facilities… The Thomas Wolfe House will celebrate “A Day in May 1916” this weekend.

WNC Inventor
Jon “Punnyman” Le continued his series about dumb WNC inventions. He said that, aside from actually inventing something, there’s a lot of marketing and manufacturing that needs to happen. But that was the extent of that angle.

Le talked to a Candler man who patented a cutting bit for miners and invented something he called “Rays in Cane” – a PVC pipe with a flashlight built in. It had compartments for pills and worked as both a light and a cane.

In Madison County, Le found a guy who added some foam to some old sweatbands and uses them when he types on his computer to ease his carpal tunnel syndrome.

And another guy created a little chip of plastic that attaches to the back of a framed picture and creates a little dent in the wall once you’ve decided where you want to hang the frame. It’s called, smartly enough, the “picture hanger helper.”

Viewers said the “Infocube” from last week was the best invention. The Infocube is a restaurant pager that has trivia questions in it and can be customized with logos and such.