In the news: Another semen slinger, dead exotic animals and Woody on the run

Check for stains
Curling her lip in disgust, Kassandra “Special K” Pride led off the 11 with a story about a disgusting dude in McDowell County who was arrested and charged with damage to property for going to stores and smearing clothing and purses with his semen. Larry “Smoka” Blunt warned us from the anchor chair that some viewers might find the content offensive. It’s “certainly disgusting,” Larry told us.

The spunk spreader went to Burke’s Outlet, a discount store in Marion, and rummaged through women’s underwear to spread semen on the clothes. He apparently had the splooge in a jar. (Splooge in a Jar – hmmm, might have a new product name here…)

Special K said the suspect told police he stained stuff in 20 other stores, though police wouldn’t tell Kassandra what those other stores are. That dude sure kept Rosy Palm and Her Five Sisters busy, didn’t he?

Kassandra said shoppers didn’t know what to make of it. “I think he needs to find a different hobby,” one woman said. Kassandra urged us to check all recent purchases for stains. As she wrapped up her report, Kassandra either burped, or paused to hold back a little vomit in her mouth. We couldn’t tell which, but there was an awkward pause.

Dead animals in Hooterville
Police found a dozen dead animals at the Animal Logic at some sort of animal “education center.” We couldn’t tell from Carolyn “Little Red” Ryan’s story if this was a shelter or a mini-zoo or what.

Carolyn said the place had exotic animals “like snakes and hedge hogs.” Are snakes and hedge hogs exotic? Anyway, she quoted an animal activist as saying “You could smell death” when you walked up to the Dumpster outside the place.

The owner of the place, a young guy with a knit cap pulled too low over his brow, said a friend brought over some animals that were in bad shape, and several of them needed immediate medical attention but didn’t make it.

Carolyn said police said there might be charges. They found a dead hedge hog and a dead sugar glider, whatever that is. Some poisonous snakes were transferred out of AnimalLogic, but others will be kept on the premises and cared for until everything gets sorted out.

Run, Woody, run
The story of John “Woody” Woodring is building. On Tuesday, CNN ran a story about the fugitive throughout the day. America’s Most Wanted is also all over it and will profile the case this weekend.

This is the story – Woodring took a sawed-off shotgun to the REACH domestic abuse shelter in Sylva, out in Jackson County, and blasted his estranged wife. Then he took off. The big media note that the small mountain town is in shock, that Woodring is an ex-Marine and that Woodring wrote a book called “The Convict Speaks,” in which he talks about corresponding with killers such as Eric Robert Rudolph.

So the news on Tuesday was that police found the stolen car that Woodring apparently drove from Sylva. It was an electric blue Honda Civic, and it was found in the parking lot of a Greyhound bus station in Knoxville. The guy could be anywhere, some dude told Michelle Boudin, who drove the 90 miles over to Knoxville to check shit out. In one interview with a bus station person, there were long wisps of hair that kept blowing into the shot. Very distracting.

Boudin said the FBI has now joined the search officially. Boudin also got the best quote of the day from somebody at the bus station, who, when shown a photo of Woodring, said “I’ll remember that beady little eye he’s got.”

The cops towed the car back to Ashvegas. Boudin, and Holly Headache, said cops will go over that sucker with a fine-toothed comb, looking for finger prints, clothing and any other possible clues to Woodring’s whereabouts. Holly said people in Sylva “were thrilled” that some new evidence had been found.

Buncombe’s new ballots
Pat “Simple” Simon showed us how the new optical scan voting machines will work in Buncombe County. Pat said it’s like taking one of those bubble tests in school. You fill in all out, than scan your sheet. The new machines, which create a paper trail as well, are supposed to be more accurate.

Pat said elections officials are urging people to read the directions carefully when voting. Also, remember that you have to fill out the front and the back of the sheet, or you’ll end up missing some people to vote for.

More tidbits
Police say somebody is passing fake $50s and $20s in McDowell County. They can tell because all the bills have the same serial number…. A tractor-trailer on I-40 in Buncombe County headed eastbound near the Oteen exit ran off the road and crashed, snarling traffic. Police charged the driver with careless and reckless driving… The weather is going to get cold this weekend, with a Friday high of 66 anda Saturday low near 40, says Mike Cuevas.… And Larry Blunt apologized for getting the name of Smoky Bear wrong. In a story about Italian mayors visiting our area to learn about tourism, Larry called him Smoky the Bear. But Larry came on seconds later and corrected himself. Good job, Larry.

In other news…
Andrea Whitson, the 21-year-old accused of killing her 7-week-old baby boy, had a first appearance in court yesterday. After she brought the child to Mission Hospitals, doctors determined the child had suffered blunt force trauma to the head and charged her with first-degree murder and felony child abuse… The re-trial of Billy Ray Byrd, accused of shooting and killing his wife, starts today… The Georgia man accused of running down and killing 4-year-old Avery King of Weaverville has pleaded not guilty. The guy ran down the girl and several of her family members in a McDonald’s parking lot outside Atlanta.

Also…
Paris Hilton has been charged with drunken driving. It’s official… Some redneck in Alabama who is a carnival worker took a carnival pony, tied it up and dragged it behind his pick-up truck… Gas prices are dropping, and 2 of 5 Americans believe its a political move to help Republicans at the polls next month…