I’m a Simple Person.
Gimme a hot dog, and I’m happy as fuck. My friends know that about me, and since they are my friends, they like to see me happy, so they often suggest that I eat a hot dog. Even my friends who can’t / don’t / won’t / would never in a brazillion years eat a hot dog, even those friends will totally be, all, like, “Hey, Stu, you gotta try such-and-such a hot dog at so-and-so’s bar and grille.” My friends are awesome like that… or they’re trying to kill me… either way, I love them! Hot dogs, that is. Not my friends. My friends can all fuck off. Just kidding!
I love my friends and hot dogs equally! Nom Nom!
Anyhoodles… Very recently, my good friend and fellow Asheville Food Tours guide, Paddy Riels — whom I happen to know for a fact does not eat hot dogs ever — got all excited and wholeheartedly suggested to me that I absolutely, positively, without a doubt had to go into Farmburger — of all places — and try their “farm dog.” He even paid for it. Here’s a picture that should immediately explain why Paddy was so excited…
Who wouldn’t want to watch me stick this fuckin’ thing in my face?
Paddy and I walked in the door of Farm Burger and were immediately shown to our seats. For real. A guy that knows Paddy was all, like, “Wanna sit at the bar?” and took us there like a couple of vee-eye-muthafuckin’-peeze, Yo. We were squeezed tightly in between a dude eating his lunch like a vacuum cleaner sucks up grime, and a couple of old ladies from out of town who were loving the fucking shit out of Farm Burger and Asheville in general. Paddy just sat there watchin’ me order, and smiling like a fool. When my hot dog arrived, Pddy’s smile got broader, and the two old ladies started eye-balling it, and making all kinds of noise about how the wished they’d ordered it, and how they’ll have to come back for it, and how much they love hot dogs, and yakka yakka… They were my kinda people for sure, but I had a hot dog to eat. No time for chit chat, Ladies, I’m going in!
This phallic beast was every bit as hot-doggity-delicious as Paddy had promised, and many thousands of napkins later, I was stuffed full of all-beef awesome, house made pimento cheese, red bean chili, and pickled jalapeño peppers, and I was as happy as a pig in shit. I ate the fuck out of those French fries too, you better believe it. Here’s another picture…
But before I say any more, let’s address the 800 pound gorilla in the room: Isn’t Farm Burger a chain, Stuuuuuuu? And don’t we hate all chains?!?
Well, yes and no.
There are currently nine locations of Farm Burger, and two of those are in Asheville. To put that into perspective, Tupelo Honey has a total of 15 locations. That’s 6 more than Farm Burger. Jimmy John’s, a true chain right around the corner from Farm Burger, has 2,701 locations in 46 states. That’s two thousand, six hundred, and ninety two more locations than Farm Burger. There are 15,738 Burger King locations in this horrible, horrible, terrible world, so… yeah, you decide what’s a chain and what’s not a chain. I just know that this farm dog is made from grass fed beef, the fries are cut from actual potatoes, the people who work there are nice, and the burgers are really fucking good too, so, I am not a hater of Farm Burger by any stretch, and after this mouthful of tubular meat on a bun, I’m a far-out freaky-deaky fan for sure!
Spekaing of buns, this one was a simple, soft, white bun, just the way I like ’em. The dog itself was a lot longer than the bun, so that it was all poking obscenely out the ends. There was a sizeable blob of chili, pimento cheese, and pickled jalapeños unceremoniously plopped on top, and I had to use my fork to smoosh it all around and spread it out on my long-dog.
When the ladies sitting to my right saw me take-up my fork, they were, like, “Oh, you gotta pick it up with your hands,” and I was all, like, “Oh don’t worry, I’m just spreading the love.” Then I picked it up and slid the tip into my wide open mouth… gnomp nom nomp glomp nom nomg… It was not a pretty sight, but I wasn’t put on this Earth to be pretty.
I was put here to eat hot dogs.
The chili was very mild to me BTW, but the peppers added a nice kick to the dog, which itself was savory, snappy, and packed with flavor. With Paddy cheering me on, and my two out-of-town ladies oohing and ahhing at every bite I took, I couldn’t help but think that I had made the wisest of lunch choices ever that day! I felt good about myself. I felt good about life. I felt good about this fucking hot dog, Maaan, and that’s why I have decided to call it my…
EAT OF THE WEEK!
~ END ~
Farm Burger Asheville
“Rustic-chic counter spot for upscale burgers made with grass-fed beef, plus shakes, beer & wine.”
Address: 10 Patton Ave, Asheville, NC 28801
Phone: (828) 348-8540
Address: 1831 Hendersonville Rd #100, Asheville, NC 28803
Phone: (828) 575-2393
Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.
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