whatshouldavlcallme: Ashvegas Stereotypes, part II: Electric Boogaloo

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From whatshouldavlcallme:

Asheville Stereotypes Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holiday! I know things are getting colder outside and your extra lbs might be helping, but let me warm you up with what you’ve been waiting for – the second installment of Asheville stereotypes.

As a reminder, from the first article: “Yes, stereotypes are shortcuts to prejudice and that’s bad – unless you create your own! Treat this one like a scavenger hunt. Can you find all species in the same day? Remember to comment and tag-and-release your friends to call them out. It’s what the interwebz is for!”

Enjoy!

1. Aaron the Ardenite: Sup, brah? I just had a really good leg day at the Rush and now it’s time to get my Applebees on! When I am not drag racing my bros on Hendersonville Road, I’m gettin’ my grub on at all the chain restaurants that Hendo Road provides for me. Did you know Applebees now has a healthy, 500-calorie menu now? That really helps when I’m with my Tapout bros and we order some 1,000 calorie Applebees famous LITs. Applebees is my jam now that Barcade has officially closed. I don’t know anything about diversity because I haven’t seen an African American out here in three years. You might think I’m a bad dude because I don’t support local, but I do when I’m getting my meat on at Juicy Lucy. I love waiting in traffic on Sweeten Creek because it lets me listen to my entire Nickelback CD. LOLz! Alright, I’ve got to go back to the Rush to get my ‘roid and back day on. LATERZ!

2. Over-Educated Brian the Barista: Ah yes, the over-educated barista, which populates about 20 percent of Asheville society. This person has spent thousands of dollars at college to come out with a kick-ass philosophy degree that actually helps with latte art designs (aesthetics background, hello!)  They spend their time practicing their latte arts for the big competition in Portland, memorize coffee facts to school you on, but mostly spend their time trying to fit into their skinny jeans and flannel wear, because this is the official uniform of the barista. You’ve verbally jousted with them in conversations about fair trade coffee beans (trading fairly makes the taste spectacular, apparently) and how if you smoke, you can’t get the true taste of the coffee (stfu, coffee and cigs are the perfect marriage). They’ve also saved thousands of dollars to buy those coffee beans that cats shit out somewhere in Thailand.

3. Alternative-Birthing Betty: This woman – sorry, wymyn – of Asheville is all things “natural birth practices” and natural remedies. The constraints of Western medicine are too harsh for their precious babies, little ones who might end up with autism or grow up to be a Republican if they get vaccines. Alternative-Birthing Betty’s job consists of being a lactation consultant, doula and builder of fertility statues, which she sells at local craft fairs. She’s the leader of her West Asheville wymyn energy circle group, where they chant in circles, rub each other’s bellies and pray to a blown-up poster of the early carving of Woman of Willendorf. She may or may not have been arrested before for rejecting Western medicines at some live births (of course in a home birthing pool). Try her placenta recipe. I hear it’s delicious.

4. Mr. and Mrs. Inner-Expression Parents: If you are a parent or expecting, you might think that “stepping out of the box” means considering whether your child should attend Montessori pre-school. The quirky Mr. and Mrs. Inner-Expression Down live down the street from your Montford bungalow. They are quickly leading a big revival of questionable 1970s parenting techniques adopted from psychologist Dr. Naanvaccine Blaabjerg of Denmark. Their biggest goal for the mindful growth and spiritual journey of their children is the constant rejection of good ol’ Western parenting techniques. They let their children name themselves when they turn 5 at a naming ceremony complete with robes and maypole. They let their children use only plain wood, gender-neutral toys because plastics and gender stereotypes are indeed the downfall of humanity. Their children breastfeed until they are 10 whilst sleeping in red, heated blanket wraps that mimic the womb. (I was raised on Fisher Price toys and I turned out okay, I think.)

5. Keith the Outdoorsy Kayaker: Every woman in town has gone out with at least three of these people because if you stay on OKCupid long enough, there is simply no other choice. This rugged outdoorsy man of Asheville may help you survive The Oregon Trail but not the Hunger Games, unless the competition consisted of negotiating white-water rapids and making sure those PBR cans are safe in the front of the kayak. Their closets are 90 percent outdoor gear and 10 percent clothing. They may or may not have gotten dysentery from multiple trips on the French Broad. Don’t let that stop you from hooking up with them, though, because their upper body strength makes up for it. Their beards and body have that delicious, almost vomit-inducing scent of moss and marked-down, spoiled bottles of Old Spice from Hopey. Yum.

6. Buffy the Biltmore Forest MILF: When the Biltmore Forest “police” pulls over Buffy for driving 2 miles over the 25 mph speed limit, she gets away with it because she is white, 32-D, and her plastic boobs are poking through her sports bra. Buffy survives solely on her country club coffee and gossip, stretchy Lululemon yoga pants, and her two nannies – one for actual child care and one for “wellness consultations.” Now that Magnolias is closed, she only leaves her Biltmore Forest sanctuary for charity events or when she’s secretly feeling a hunger for her glory days and heads out to a sports bar filled with 20-somethings. Before you hate on Buffy the Biltmore Forest MILF, please remember that she always votes on the Democratic ticket (it is Asheville after all), but secretly lusts for a black Mitt Romney.

7. Crystal the Crafter: Crystal the Crafter already has all the dates of every local craft fair marked in her recycled paper calendar. She gets amped weeks ahead of time to visit her mecca, The Big Crafty. She practices  how to forcefully move through the crowds with grace and picks out her best pair of black rimmed hipster glasses/graphic leggings combo. She loves to wear ironic T-shirts – basically an owl on a branch  with gangsta rap lyrics that she screen-printed herself. She is part of her own craft guild, the “Youthful Yarnies,” which consists only of her knitted monster caps and her friend who pastes googly eyes onto coconuts. She was arrested once for yarn bombing light poles in West Asheville. Beware, she might lure you into her beautifully organized craft room and make you stay until you finish your job putting sequins on her Members Only jacket, a piece of clothing she scored at one of her multiple trips to the Regeneration Station.

8. Fred the Local Foodie: I’m sorry my ordinary palate of solely eating either burritos, mac and cheese, or pizza isn’t good enough for you, the local foodie. (I do sometimes put bacon inside the mac and cheese.  Does this rise to your Bourdain level yet?)  This person is obsessed with what every underground supper club/food truck/restaurant has to offer. The obsession makes you want to give up on the friendship and throw your old McDonald’s wrappers at them.  They get food boners in anticipation of the next Blind Pig event. You slowly become less available to the local foodie because you can’t handle their constant expert commentary every time you go out to eat with them. (You also block them on every social media site because it is a non-stop stream of food dishes.) I might be slightly jealous because they always seem to go out for gourmet meals while having a part-time job, while my full-time job “extravagant monthly expense” is for a new Blizzard at Dairy Queen. I may not know every cool hipster chef in town, but I do know most of the waitresses at Waffle House. Suck on that local foodie.

9. Chester the Confused Tourist: “I wanna go to dat big ol’ house” is an exact quote I heard from a tourist in town that was planning a trip to the Biltmore Estate. Chester the Confused Tourist doesn’t know squat about Asheville and takes every local tip from whom they speak with in town. Fine dining at a local restaurant somehow translates to going to Charlotte Street Grill. Ghost hunting is an activity their new drunk bar friend invited them to, which is just drinking PBRs in a parking deck. They order salads at 12 Bones. They are scared that the “Pleasure Club” part of the Orange Peel sign is a sex orgy so they don’t go in, and they stop in the middle of downtown when driving to look for five minutes to find where they are going. They also never drink a beer in town and leave Yelp reviews about how there should be more wine options at breweries. Please come back though!

10. Ronald the Redneck: This is my favorite species of Asheville because, like a rare sighting of the Swannanoa Bigfoot, this redneck is a true delight to watch. They inhabit every backwoods, small town surrounding Asheville. Their weekends are packed full of Southern activities like devouring Monster energy drinks, hitting up the ag center to find their prized cattle, and scratching off lottery tickets while reconnecting with high school pals at the Hot Spot on Leicester. A fun Friday night date is driving with their redneck significant other (who is also their high school sweetheart AND third cousin) to hit up the Roses in Weaverville for matching camo and decorative art of  random biblical quotes to put in their doublewide. You might not jive with them if you were  randomly placed with them inside any Asheville bar, but you would learn a lot about taxidermy, powdered doughnuts, and the best tire to put on your truck so you are 25 feet off the ground. I will drink a Bud Light in your honor tonight.

6 Comments

Erin Smith January 25, 2014 - 12:27 pm

what about the Massage Threapists? Cant swing a banjo without hitting one of them in Asheville.

Jessica January 11, 2014 - 9:20 am

I love this. Cute!

Hey! Make for us stay at home moms!

Jessica January 11, 2014 - 9:21 am

*make one

Big Al January 13, 2014 - 2:54 pm

Unless there is some weird variation of them in Asheville, I find nothing satirical about stay-at-home Moms.

Big Al January 11, 2014 - 3:29 am

“Fine dining at a local restaurant somehow translates to going to Charlotte Street Grill.”

Well, it does look a lot grander on the outside than the food is on the inside (not BAD, mind you, just not grand).

Big Al January 11, 2014 - 3:27 am

“Over-Educated Brian the Barista…has spent thousands of dollars at college to come out with a kick-ass philosophy degree..”

You stole my idea. Hulk Smash!

“…and pray to a blown-up poster of the early carving of Woman of Willendorf.”

a.k.a. the “mother of the Vendor”. Seek her in the earth.

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