From the lovely and talented whatshouldavlcallme:
2013: The Year in Review
This year was filled with crazy events! It’s the only way Asheville knows how to thrive baby!
(About half of you)
15. Worst use of “Asheville” in any artistic way: James Franco
Something magical happened in early 2013 for us Ashevillians: James Franco wrote a poem. This challenging prose about himself, Obama, Grove Park Inn and his traffic safety message of pulling over at the Warren Wilson barn to read an e-mail was the worst mention of Asheville in any artistic manner. I think I need to be high on Peyote to fully understand his artistic message. Sometimes, art is about making people feel uncomfortable and Franco not only made me feel uncomfortable, he also made me want to shoot myself in the head after reading his epic poem and yell “THOMAS WOLFE FOREVER!” This is true art. (You still fine as hell though, boy. Holla at me next time you’re in town.)
14. Best use of time: Breweries
I feel like Asheville went a little on a crack binge this year with all the new breweries opening. Wicked Weed in Asheville and Oskar Blues in Brevard are celebrating their one-year anniversaries. Burial Beer and High Wire opened and Twin Leaf Brewery is set to open soon. Not to mention some big names like Sierra Nevada and New Belgium setting up shop. We may have lost the Beer City USA title this year, but I have a sneaking suspicion we will recover. Now, who is going to buy me some tasty Asheville craft beer for all my hard work I do here?
13. Best use of fake tears: Bele Chere ends
In the cold black heart of mine, I’m kind of sad that Bele Chere is ending. I know all the debates: “blah, blah it’s bad for the local economy; blah blah it’s a pain; blah, blah that dude has been passed out on the corner for two days.” But I secretly love it. I love Bele Chere like I love going to the gyno. You just have to buck up and experience it. Bele Chere to me is what made me fall in love with Asheville. I remember my first Bele Chere creepy experience in trying to use the bathroom and the restaurant/bar wanted me to be a customer so I said, “I will buy water,” then just ran to the bathroom. Man, I was such a badass at 18. Just kidding. I have bought moonshine at Bele Chere, passed out in the bushes at the First Presbyterian Church, thrown up on an elderly lady and danced on top of a bar to Toto’s “Africa” at previous Bele Cheres. I will miss your trashy ways.
12. Worst dagger to my heart: Burgermeisters
I loved Burgermeisters so, and was very upset when it closed. I will never recover from this deep, meaty wound. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat and cry out, “Fried pickles!” or “Chili Burger and cook it medium!” WHY SWEET BABY JESUS, WHY! I don’t know what happened. Did I not come in enough? Did the rough, mean street of Haywood get to you? Did we all just stop going? Why! How does mediocre Lucky Otter stay open and Burgermeisters close? I will love you forever Burgermeisters. Rest in peace my delicious friend.
11. Best use of Fear: The Rise of the Grocery on Merrimon
When I first heard about the whole grocery store cometh happening on Merrimon Avenue about a year ago, I wondered how many traffic jams and accidents would happen on this death road. Everyone that I spoke to about the Harris Teeter/Trader Joe’s stores coming were truly scared about how much more traffic issues we would have to deal with. Now that the dust has somewhat settled, I kind of like them on Merrimon. I have no issues with them being there, and I see no changes in traffic patterns. I’m smart enough to visit them on off-hours, and I hope you are too. We got so scared ,didn’t we? LOL on us. I would also totally wait in traffic and get my car dinged up for some of that TJ cookie butter, but that’s just me and I accept it.
10. Best use of Gluten: Biscuit Head
Biscuit Head opened this year. Thank you. That is all I need to say.
9. Worst additions to Asheville: Horse Carriages and Pubcycle
Let me just rant on a bit about this. I like horse-drawn carriages, I really do. But I don’t agree with them as another obstacle we have to put up with in downtown. There are so many obstacles I face when driving through there already. I feel like trying to weave around and deal with a horse-drawn carriage will worsen my road rage in that I may be institutionalized for a year. I have been on a pubcycle before and it’s just a lot of work. Protip: Just save some money and get on your own bike, drink beer, blast some music and wave to everyone while riding. Basically the same experience and you make your own show!
8. Best Downward Spiral: Gannett and Mountain Xpress
Asheville Citizen-Times making us pay for webnews? NO. Having to use only Facebook now to write comments? NO. Citizen-Times laying off really good and hardworking staff that have been there for years? WTF, NO. Gannett, you get no presents this Christmas. I don’t need to highlight the downward spiral that is Mountain Xpress. Just know that you are included in this “Best Downward Spiral” award. I hope you learned something at that leadership conference you hosted?
7. Best thing to ever come to Asheville: The Acro-Cats
Cats doing tricks? Yes, please. A chicken doing tricks? Please stop – you’re killing me with cuteness. A groundhog doing tricks? Brb. I’m dying with awesomeness overload here. Can Asheville please get a circus cat residency forever? I will be there for every show. Better yet, someone please create a circus cat performing arts center here in town. I have already named the future cat friends in the troupe: Mr. Bojangles with his magic tail of wonder; Miss Meowy with her lioness growl; and Mr. Pabsty, the cat that opens beer cans for you. Please contact me at email@example.com for business inquires. LETS DO THIS SHIT!
6. Best Animal Protector: Bob Barker
Bob Barker is named the best animal protector for continuing to fight the good fight for years about the horrible conditions of bear pits in Cherokee. This has led to some serious shit happening in Cherokee this year with secret videos of horrible bear conditions and the creepy redneck owners finally getting shut down by the government. We may have been able to shut down one bear pit facility, but I read (yes, I did research this time around) that there are 19 more bear pits to go. Also, it’s nice to know that Bob Barker still sports a delicious warm tan that rivals George Hamilton at age 90. Thank you, Mr. Barker, for protecting the WNC animals.
5. Worst Tourist Questions
I was outside of Mast General this year when a tourist asked me where the Fine Arts Theatre was. I told them to turn around and look down the street. Also, I was trying to help a tourist in the pouring rain with directions to Laughing Seed and she was very abrasive. Bitch, I am helping you IN the pouring rain, you best google/mapquest/gps yourself before you wreck yourself in this town. Tourists, wise up, por favor.
4. Best Construction: Music Venues
Hi new music venues, we love ya! With the additions of The Mill Room event space and The Mothlight (I will not rant about the Mr. Fred’s part) you have been chosen as the best new construction. Also, the steady rise of The Isis in West Asheville (which opened in late 2012) have helped our little town become more musically diverse. Thank you, new venues. I can’t wait to get drunk inside you.
3. Best Accident: The Great Trolley Wreck of 2013
One of the tour trolleys crashed downtown, wrecking a little havoc with the side of the building of Kim’s Wig Shop. The best accident of the year! No humans were hurt, but unfortunately the ironic rastafarian wig with beads died on the scene.
2. Best/Worst Asheville shout outs in the media
Best: “When You Get to Asheville” song that was released in the spring, a collab of Steve Martin and Edie Brickell. Let us answer some questions in the lyrics though: No, we did not get a new job or a new love. So we will turn around. Signed everyone that actually lives here.
Worst: Don Yelton on The Daily Show. The cringe. The horror. Thanks for that interview bro, and for continuing to make everyone in the world still think of the South as a racist backwoods shithole.
1. Overall Best of 2013: All of you crazy motherfuckers who live here
I would like to take the time to write about how much I enjoyed observing/living with all of you crazy mofos this year Asheville. You have made my fun side-project come to life this year with your continued support, praise and bitchy comments. (I love them too). We’ve had a crazy, event-filled year, and I suspect that 2014 will bring more of the same, even better. Don’t you think for one second that since I’m writing a year in review that I’ve stopped working with Ashvegas for this year. I have a special Christmas present for you all. Cheers bitches. Onward and upward! xoxo