Sunflowers

dearest, 

the sunflowers came from my backyard. i hope you got them some water. the wine’s local. i hope you dig the music. just wanted to share it all with you on your big day, but since i no longer command your time or attention, i can only send it out with all the love and best intention the stars can muster on your behalf. 

same goes for delivering a quick update about me. i write to get it out there. i direct it to you, because you know best my heart, my soul.

the awakening, if i can be so grand to call it that, continues. or better yet – transition, reflection, austerity, sadness. and yes, the slightest hint of healing.

love and loss live together, rent-free as they like to say, in my house these days. some days are better than others. the scary chasm, which i’ve spoken of before, remains uncrossed. the bridge, unbuilt. i’m slowly getting the machinery up and running to make it across. and i still have in my sights the gauziest view of an oasis on the other side. a sunflowered oasis, if you can imagine that. 

the inward roll call continues. that committee of voices, my roundtable of inner advisors, has been loud, argumentative and meeting nonstop. they’ve kindly adjourned their work for a late-summer break, and that’s given me time to breathe. it’s also given me an insight: this is lifetimes of work they’ve been at, and they’re still meeting.

it’s a humbling thought, a loving thought, that you and i have been around the way before. call it past-life connection or reincarnation or whatever. all i know is that i’ve come across a few people in this world whom i’m deeply connected to, and you’re one of them. i know you feel the bond.
so i imagine you as a form of cosmic reward. so happy to have crossed paths again. but isn’t funny how the universe works? i can’t reap the blessings of you in my life until i’ve dealt with my own life lessons. so there you are, a reminder of the wonderful things that are a part of me, a blessing if only i’m really ready to accept. 

a re-focusing has also been much of my work lately. how do i re-define for myself what it means to be a man? how do i live between strength and vulnerability? how do i completely give myself over to someone while at the same time holding onto my self? i keep coming back to the word “zen.” i love the spiritual paradoxes there. the teachings on the order of: give everything away and you will receive all the riches you’ll ever need; give yourself up completely, and you’ll find yourself one with the universe. puzzling all around.

had this conversation with a friend, who perfectly stopped me from getting too teary with this one: what did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? make me one with everything. ha! indeed.

so, the surrender continues. the chasm dark remains uncrossed. the oasis stands untapped, a sea of sunflowers with sunny heads, as yet unbowed.  

love and miss you.