Stu Helm, Asheville’s Facebook Food Critic, on Laurey’s Catering and Cafe

By Stu Helm

Hello Asheville!

Ho. Lee. Fucknuts.

I can not believe the shit-storm that was kicked up by my rant about Chick-Fil-A last week. There were at least four different fires burning on the interwebs as a direct result. I was castigated, insulted, and thrown onto the ash-heap of history by numerous angry individuals. I was called names. “Idiot.” “Libtard.” “Simpleton.” I was given several lengthy, boring, and pedantic lessons in economics. I was informed that I haven’t been living in Asheville long enough to have opinions. I was called a “carpetbagger,” and told to move. One very special reader was, all, like, “you should have a burger shoved in your filthy mouth,” or whatever.

All this because I dared to voice my opinion about Chick-Fil-A.

In. Fucking. Credible.

You’d think I’d torn-up a picture of the dang pope on Saturday Night Live for fuck’s sake!!!

Remember that? When Sinead O’Conner tore up a picture of the ex-Pope. Which one was it? JP2? And the whole fucking world lost it’s mind?

Back then the criticism of Sinead seemed to fall into three categories:

• “I really really like the pope and she really really shouldn’t have done that!”

• “I don’t really care one way or the other about the pope, but she still really shouldn’t have done that!”

• “I actually don’t really like a lot of what the Catholic church stands for, and the pope being a symbol of the Catholic church, I understand and even agree with her reasons for protest… but she STILL really shouldn’t have done that!”

I tell ya, I kinda felt a little bit like poor Sinead O’Conner when I read all the negative and hateful comments on Ashvegas and other threads… Except for this:

Chick-Fil-A is not the Pope.

I’ll say that again, just in case you glossed over it, because I really want this to sink in:

Chick-Fil-A is not the Pope.

Say it out loud to yourselves now:

“Chick-Fil-A is not the Pope”.

Think about it. What does it mean? What could crazy old Stu Helm possibly be trying to point out by asking me to read, say, and understand the statement “Chick-Fil-A is not the Pope?”

You’ll figure it out.

Or not.

I don’t care.

Moving the fuck on…

I ate some damn good food created by a very awesome person last week…

LAUREY’S CATERING AND COMFORT CAFE – Biltmore Ave, Downtown Asheville

I didn’t know Laurey personally, but I sure did hear a lot great things about her over the years. I was sad when my mom told me that she died from cancer. Cancer sucks.

My only relationship with Laurey was with her food, which I enjoyed very much. My mom encouraged me to write this review, to let people know that even though Laurey is no longer with us, her food is still here, and it’s still great… which it is!

I recently returned to Laurey’s two days in a row, and ate 6 different things. They were all good, and most importantly, my old faves tasted exactly the same as they always have.

Laurey’s is a long-time fan-favorite and a classic Asheville institution, so most of you already know all about it, but just in case…

It’s one of those places where you walk in and you get to look at the food in the deli case, as well as order from the menu and list of specials. You get your food at the cash register, where, conveniently, you also pay for it. Then you leave with your to-go bag, or get your own water, forks, etc. and seat yourself in the large, long, bright and friendly dining room. Simple as a pimple.

I like being able to see the food in the case. It always looks fresh, healthy, and awesome. No dead lettuce, no dried-up left-overs, no processed bullshit food. It’s all good, at all times.

I consider Laurey’s to be one of my Bachelor Chow venues, because they always have a variety of very tasty vegetable dishes to choose from, so I can get my vitamins ‘n’ minerals without having to buy, wash, prep, and cook a bunch of different plant matter all on my own. Hassle. The fine people at Laurey’s have done all that work for me, so now I can get back to watching UFC and Bellator MMA non-stop, back-to-back, safe in the knowledge that I won’t get rickets… or scurvey… or whatever… because I ate my veggies. Yay! I’m a big boy!

I’ve never eaten anything bad at Laurey’s, so you’re pretty safe trying different stuff, and tucking into the daily specials. Here’s a list of the 6 items that I got on my double-header visits last week.

1) Chicken Tenders – They are good cold, or can be brought home and reheated. They have a nice, simple, but tasty breading, and are all good, white meat chicken. No nasty bits.

2) Sirloin – I ate it for the first time years and years ago. I crave it to this day. Small, tender pieces of sirloin, cooked to perfection, and served cold. I wouldn’t reheat this one, because the texture when it’s cold, or room temp, is amazing. If you wanna reheat it, you can ask for slices that are on the rare side.

3) Roasted Sweet Potatoes – This dish is something special, and totally unique to Laurey’s as far as I know. The sweet potatoes are sliced thin and roasted until they are browned around the edges, almost caramelized. This dish is also served cold, but responds well to reheating, as long as you don’t burn it.

4) Brussels Sprouts – They are likewise roasted until browned, and have delicious caramelized onions in the mix. Again, it’s good served cold or reheated, but I prefer this one reheated. Toss it in a skillet and sauté them fuckers until they’s super-cooked! To me, it is almost impossible to over-cook a Brussels sprout.

5) Cucumber Salad – Laurey’s cuke salad is one of my faves downtown. It’s just the right amount of tangy. It’s fresh as fuck, and is not overly complicated. It does have a ton of raw onions, which I do not eat, but I’m an expert at picking raw onions outta stuff, so I can roll with that.

6) Ribs – I got two wee little sets of three ribs each. Dawn ate hers cold, but I reheated the FUCK outta mine in the toaster oven. They were effin’ aye good! Sweet, tomato-based BBQ sauce on some meaty li’l ribs that had just the right amount of fat. I cooked them until the fat turned black on the edges and was all sticky and sweet. Yeah, Man. I like it sticky and sweet.

My worst complaint ever about Laurey’s would have to be that I may have had a dish or two here and there over the years that didn’t totally blow my socks off, but even those were good, if not great, and were always made with fresh, healthy ingredients.

Now keep in mind that healthy, prepared food doesn’t come cheap, so bring your wallet to Laurey’s, and make sure it’s got more in it than your Sam’s Club card and a picture of your cat.

Thank you Laurey, for all the help and love you gave to the people and the causes you supported, and for the tasty, healthy food that you gave to the city of Asheville! And thank you, whoever is running the show at Laurey’s now,* for allowing us to continue to enjoy her food and benefit from her personal vision of healthy eating.

-Stu Helm

* I did a small amount of research to try to find out who owns Laurey’s now, but what can I say? I’m not that kind of reporter… the kind that finds things out. I’m the kind that eats food and then reports on how much I did or didn’t like it.

Stu Helm is an artist and writer living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing restaurant reviews strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook in 2013.