Stu Helm, Asheville’s Facebook Food Critic, on Green Sage and the Home Depot hot dog truck


Here’s the latest from Stu Helm, Asheville’s Facebook Food Critic:

GREEN SAGE – Downtown Asheville

Here’s how this review went down in real-time on Facebook (Some editing has been done to both protect the innocent, and trim it down)…

Stu Helm – I’m about to try the turkey ruben at Green Sage. I hope it tastes better than it looks. (PHOTO)

Mike – those fries look pretty horrible and soggy…

Stu Helm – Yeah. I haven’t tried one yet. They look gross.

Fallon – Yikes Are those grease puddles on your plate?! RUN!

Jill – I hope the bread is good. I’m feeling skeptical based on visual and my own personal taste. I hope I’m wrong

Shonna – I have to say that looks super lame. Thanks of taking one for the team.

Monica – Is the cheese on that not melted?

Kate 1 – struggle plate

Stu Helm – It was just as awful as it looked. The fries were like worms soaked in grease. The sandwich was like public school lunch (from 1975). That bread was NOT rye, I don’t care what the package from Sysco said. the turkey was okay, but not much of it. The sour kraut was awful, and barely existed. The cheese was not melted and I don’t even think there was a whole slice of it on there. Plus, two separate but equally offensive smells came out of the kitchen. The first (smelled like) rancid grease, the other smelled exactly like horse manure. So, don’t order the fried horse shit, or the turkey Ruben.

Jill – Turkey BOO-ben

Stu Helm – Public school ruben = puben. It’s nice to know that the lunch lady still has a job anyways.

Jill – Those fries really do have a sheen on them. Ew.

Stu Helm – Yeah they were the worst thing on a plate of bad things.

Kate 2 – Stu, you come over and I will make a proper Reuben for you any time. Um, it won’t be turkey, though.

Stu Helm – Fuck yeah, Kate (2)! I like corned beef too! Now that I’m back home, and seeing this picture on the big screen, I almost want to puke. Those puddles of grease were no joke, People. And that bread? It redefined “beige.” In fact, the whole plate had a sort of beigeness about it that was entirely unappetizing. (shudder) The turkey was the least offensive thing about this “puben,” actually, and I can only imagine the dog-ass corned beef that would have come on a “real” ruben from Green Sage. No stars, two thumbs down, and “totally limp,” on the Hustler Meter.

Jill – It’s a “flaccid” food review, if you will

Ben – Stu, this is the funniest post ever! You’re killing me!

Stu Helm – Gawd, I can’t stop looking at this picture. I mean, would a little something green on the plate kill ya, “Green” Sage? A sprig of parsley? A pickle for cripes sake! Shouldn’t a fucking ruben come with a half-sour? WFT, World?!? The chef should be ashamed of this horror show he or she served me. I’ve eaten better sandwiches out of a machine.

Jill – Actually, you are so right. There HAS to be a deli pickle with a reuben. I’m still angry at the bread.

Stu Helm – Oh, that bread was strictly from Grandpa’s freezer chest of “Roman Meal Rye” in the basement. Seriously. It was like a child made that fucking sandwich. This picture is making me relive it!!!

Jill – ROMAN MEAL RYE!!!! :::falls on floor::: I can SMELL it….all freezer burnt and nasty and gross and dry and NOT RYE

Stu Helm – You know exactly what I’m talking about, Jill. My Dad thought that shit was the hardiest motherfuckin’ bread ever baked. It’s one chromosome away from Wonder Bread.

Jill – I am so irritated by this sandwich

Stu – Imagine how I feel!
Hot Dog Truck – Home Depot Parking Lot – Asheville

My Step Dad took me to Home Depot, where I had a wonderful wonderful hot dog, served out of a truck full of giggling ladies with charming accents. I loved it!!!

We ate under some trees at a park bench kind of thing, and Maaaan, that hot dog was so fucking good… I can’t even tell you. Afterwards, I think I actually loved my Step Dad a little more than I already did.

He says that same truck is always there, and I noted that they sell more than hot dogs, and boast about fresh, organic veggies and Hickory Nut Gap Meat products on their signage. The hot dogs are no ordinary POS dogs either. They were of a particularly high quality, although I did not note the name brand. Nathan’s? Maybe.

I don’t get out to Home-Deeps very often, but when I do, I’m gonna have one thing on my mind: Hot Dog.

Okay, maybe two things: Two Hot Dogs.

Side Note – While in The Deeps, I got super-hungry, and ate a Snickers. It really does satisfy! For about 8 – 13 minutes.

Stu Helm is an artist and writer living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing restaurant reviews strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook in 2013.



chappell August 4, 2014 - 2:12 pm

I agree with you, Stu, about Green Sage.

Big Al November 30, 2013 - 5:09 pm

You should review Blue Ridge Biscuit company. I went during the grand opening, ordered a single gravy biscuit and was given a second biscuit without gravy which allowed me to try the jams. The biscuits, while huge, were not of a quality to justify the high prices UNLESS they always give a second biscuit. I am curious what you would think and if they do still give the second biscuit (I doubt it).

Stewart November 27, 2013 - 11:08 am

The paragraph below is from the article “Look Out When You Cook Out! Bugs and Band-Aids Found in Hot Dogs” in the Local NY Village, see

If you’re stuck in town this Labor Day weekend without so much as a roof to grill on, wipe that hangdog look off your face: Maggots, worms, metal, plastic and even a razor were just a few of the objects that horrified callers said were in their hot dogs in complaints lodged with the U.S. Department of Agriculture between 2007 and 2009.


Foothills Dweller November 26, 2013 - 4:24 pm

TH South is awesome – I ate there a couple months ago. Haven’t tried GS South yet.

IceNine November 26, 2013 - 2:32 pm

Haven’t been able to eat Hot Dogs since reading the Jungle

Christopher November 26, 2013 - 1:26 pm

That food truck at Home Depot is one of the best kept secrets in town. You should try their breakfast- I love the egs & peppers & onions on tortilla with fresh sausage and home made spicy pickled jalapeno salsa. And the girl who runs it (I think she’s from Ecuador?) is friendly, kind, and not bad looking!

doghaus28815 November 26, 2013 - 11:02 am

which home depot,stu?

Stu Helm November 26, 2013 - 5:12 pm

East Ashe.

Stu Helm November 25, 2013 - 8:27 pm

Sorry for all the typos.

JML November 25, 2013 - 6:48 pm

Hilarious. Green Sage downtown is horrible for food, really bad. Green Sage on the South Side is GREAT! what is it with the downtown locations not being nearly as good as south side? Should be opposite or equally as good. Same thing goes for Tupelo Honey, Downtown is mediocre at best, South side is rocking!

Stu Helm November 26, 2013 - 3:05 pm

I sent my dinner back twice the one night I went to Tupelo’s downtown, and have never been back. The 2nd time I told them to keep it, and just bring me the check. I’m not a person who usually sends food back, but it was inedible. People keep trying to tell me that Tupe’s has good shrimp ‘n’ grits, though, so maybe I’ll try the South Side one. Thanks for the tip!

mrzeau November 27, 2013 - 11:31 pm

Man, don’t get your hopes up. I used to really dig Tupelo south, but the last 3 times I ate there I got 3 meals that ranged from mediocre to horrible. It’s so bad I just had to call it quits – too many other good options in town to keep flogging a dead horse. Drag. Tupelo used to be fantastic before it got bought and became the ever expanding chain.

Davyne Dial November 29, 2013 - 8:06 am

Last visit to TH south was very disappointing. The biscuits are no longer large and delicious. They’re half the size they used to be and now the biscuit coats the top of your mouth with congealed waxy grease, just like the biscuits from Bojangles. Yuk!

Mark November 25, 2013 - 6:26 pm

Which Home Depot?

Stu Helm November 26, 2013 - 5:12 pm

Step Dad says East Asheville.

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