Stu Helm, Asheville’s Facebook Food Critic, on Donatelli Bakery

Hello Asheville,

You know what’s new to me, and kind of weird: Being hated on by total strangers. I’m not used to some douche I’ve never met in my life calling me “either a liar or an idiot,” because I wrote that I don’t
understand why people flock to the fast food feed bucket weekly and daily.

One thing I promise you guys, is that I will never lie to you about the food I love or hate, or the reasons I do or don’t go to certain places. If I go to my fave place and they serve me a turd of a meal, I’ll let you know. If I find paradise in the food court at the Mall, I’ll confess that to you as well. I don’t pull punches, and I don’t feign ignorance.

When it comes to fast food, I don’t get it. I suspect that Mr. “Liar or Idiot” would suggest that people eat it because “they are stupid.” I do not subscribe to that school of thought. I could make some guesses as to why, but you know what? I’m already fucking bored… so let’s move on to something much more important: Pastries. Below you will find a review that I wrote a few months ago. It might read a little bit like a love letter. I do not apologize for that.

KAREN DONATELLI BAKERY & CAKE DESIGN – Haywood Ave., Downtown Asheville

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m lucky enough to say that Karen is a friend of mine. Our friendship is recent, and grew out of my frequent visits to her shop, my deep love of her pastries, and admiration for her
talents. This review is as honest as they come.

There is a world class artist living among us here in Asheville and her name is Karen Donatelli. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

Karen’s pastry case is like an art gallery, or museum, where the finest pieces of delicate confection sit like fantastic objets d’yum. One looks upon Karen’s work with awe.

Like, “Awe, shit! I’m gonna get me one a them there cherry frangipani tartlets, y’all!!!”

And, my good sir or madame, them there frangipani tartlets are going be some of the best things you ever et in your life. I want to recommend other items by name, but there’s so many delicious things,
and it’s kind of a miracle I even learned the word “frangipani,” so just go in, look, and point. You can’t go wrong. My mother can not get enough of the chocolate brioche. It’s really good.

I’ve tasted a little bit of everything in Karen’s case and it’s all stellar. Like out of this world. I eat Karen’s pastries more slowly than normal food, because I don’t want it to go away. When it’s gone,
I haz a sad. But there’s more! A case full! Every day! Yay, Karen Donatelli Bakery and Cake Designs!!!

And, I just wanna say, I know from fine pastries. I’ve eaten a LOT of pastries in my snack-crazed life, both good and bad. I’ve eaten pastries in foreign lands and such. Like, Paris. The real Paris. In France. I know a good pastry when I eat one, that’s for dang sure.

I can honestly say that Karen Donatelli Bakery and Cake Design has the best pastries I’ve ever eaten in my en-tire friggin’ life, bar none. You heard right: Best EVER.

The coffee is great too, and they make a very simple, yet delicious lunch item or two every day. Chicken salad on a croissant with a side of fruit, or something like that. It’s very good, light, healthy, and
affordable.

The atmosphere is pleasant, comfortable, quiet, and old-worldy. There’s plenty of sunshine (if you like that sort of thing), a good view of Haywood Ave, and fresh flowers on every table. Karen’s son, Vincent, is the consummate professional behind the counter (and very handsome, I might add… Aaaand, he’s got access to all those pasties! I’m jus’ sayin’… Dreeeeeam date!!!), and the other kitchen and counter staff are all top-notch as well!

Karen herself is a very kind, humble, and approachable lady. She is always smiling, and is very gracious, and generous. I honestly feel lucky when she comes over to my table to say hi. A visit from the artist herself!

Now, don’t cry, other various bakers, bakeries, and cake designers around town. I love you too — for realzies — and you all have your merits and charms. I’ll review you soon, I promise!

Karen is special though. A special person with a special talent.

Do yourself a favor, and head over to her cafe as soon as you can. Put a few extra dollars in your pocket, because, as always, excellence is not cheap, but well worth it!

Stu Helm is an artist and writer living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing restaurant reviews strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook in 2013.