Stu Helm, Asheville’s Facebook Food Critic, on 5 Walnut, Marketplace

Here you go:

5 Walnut Street – Asheville

Here’s how it went down:

Me: “Do you serve coffee?”

Bartender: “Yes”

Me: “Great, I’ll have coffee please.”

I took my seat and about 7 mins later a pot of French press coffee showed up.

Me: “Thank you! Do you have 1/2 and 1/2”

Bartender: “Sorry, no.”

Silence…

Me: “Do you have milk?”

Bartender: “No, I’m sorry.”

Silence…

Bartender: “We have honey.”

Me: (in my head) “What’re you, fucking insane?” (out loud) “um.”

Silence…

Bartender: “We’re a beer and wine bar.”

I smiled, and the bartender left my table. I waited a few minutes, assessing my situation, put a five dollar bill under the un-plunged French Press, got up, and left. Never to return, as the legend goes.

Here’s how it should have gone down:

Me: “Do you have coffee?”

Bartender: “Nope!”

Me: “Okay, thanks, bye!”

C’mon, 5 Walnut. Either serve coffee or don’t, but if you do, spend that five bucks on some fucking half and half.

Market Place – Wall Street, Downtown Asheville

I’ll be honest, Market Place was my third choice on a very busy and crowded Saturday Night in downtown Asheville, and I more or less chose it because I was desperately hungry and it was there, with a table available. It was a hi-top table, which I normally hate, because I’m one foot tall, but whatevs. Hungry.

I’m glad I chose Market Place! The atmosphere was great, the staff was friendly, professional, and attractive. The young man who was my primary waiter resisted all urges to call me, “Buddy,” Dude,” “Boss,” “Big Guy” or any of the other annoying terms of endearment that young male waiters sometimes use with me. He called me “Sir.” That’s right, Motherfuckers.

The food? I liked it! It was good. I’ll go as far as to say it was very good.

I had a three-mushroom appetizer, made with locally harvested hen of the woods, chicken of the woods, and lobster mushrooms. It had a cream sauce, and a crumble-crust. It tasted good. It needed a little salt.

Next I had a bowl of Mac ‘n’ Cheese. It amuses me that there is a current trend for the fanciest restaurants to offer Mac ‘n’ Cheese. I love Mac ‘n’ Cheese. I usually order it, and expect an $8 dollop of meh. This was way better than meh. It was good!

It was creamy and cheesy, and pleasingly warm and tasty. It had fresh peas, and diced prosciutto added, which did bring it dangerously close to a Suburban Delight from 1972, but the quality of the ingredients kept it haute. Well, haute-ish. They never should have diced that prosciutto. It also needed a little salt.

I had coffee as well, which came with a delicious side of 1/2 and 1/2. Yum!

Thanks for being there, Market Place! Your food was very good, and your staff was really great!

 

Stu Helm is an artist and writer living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing restaurant reviews strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook in 2013.