‘Special Topics in Calamity Physics’ – an excerpt

We heard through the grapevine that young Marisha Pess – whose first book, “Special Topics in Calamity Physics,” has garnered a ton of great buzz – included a nice little send-up of WLOS Channel 13 in her novel. Marisha grew up in Ashvegas, so there’s no doubt she’s seen our WLOSers at their best.

We paged through the novel in a frenzy and found the pertinent passages. Reading it, it seems Marisha practically channeled Ashvegas. We’re going to deliver you Marisha’s take on the TV news in segments, so stay tuned for more.

We think you’ll enjoy this as much as we did, so here goes. You don’t really need much background. The narrator is a young female college student who has been trying to solve a bit of a murder mystery:

NOTE: If you’re currently reading the new novel “Special Topics in Calamity Physcis” by Marisha Pessl, the following excerpt may be a bit of a spoiler. Consider yourself warned.

Given my state of turmoil, it will come as no surprise that in the ten days following the camping strip, St. Gallaway’s Spring Break, I found myself embarking on a sour, irksome and altogether unsatisfying love affair.

She was an insipid, fickle mistress, that two-headed she-male, otherwise known as the local news, WQOX News 13. I started seeing her three times a day (First News at 5, News 13 at 5:30, Late Night News at 11:00), but within twenty-four hours, with her straight talk, shoulder pads, ad-libs and commercial breaks (not to mention that backdrop of faux sun permanently setting behind her) she managed to strong-arm her way into my unhinged head. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t try to sleep without supplementing my day with her half-hour programming at 6:30 a.m., 9:00 a.m., noon and 12:30 p.m.

Like all romances, ours began with great expectation.

“We have your local news next,” said Cherry Jeffries. She was dressed in Pepto-dismal pink, had hazel eyes, a tight smile reminiscent of a tiny rubber band stretched across her face. Thick, chin-length blond hair capped her, as if she were a ballpoint pen. “It’s called the Sunrise Nursery School, but the DSS wants the sun to go down on the center after multiple allegations of abuse.”

“Restaurant owners protest a new tax increase by city hall,” chirped Norvel Owen. Norvel’s sole distinguishing characteristic was his male pattern baldness, which mimicked the stitching of a baseball. Also of note was his necktie, which appeared to be patterned with mussels, clams and other invertebrates. “We’ll talk about what it means for you and your Saturday night on the town. These stories ocming up.”

A green square popped up and hovered by Cherry’s shoulder like a good idea: SEARCH.

“But first, our top story,” said Cherry. “Tonight an intensive search continues for five local high school students and their teacher reported missing in the Smoky Mountain National Park. Park authorities were alerted early this morning after a Yancey County resident found a sixth student near Route 441. The student was admitted to a local hospital for exposure and was released in stable condition earlier this evening. The Sluder County Sheriff says the group entered the park Friday afternoon, expecting to camp for the weekend, but later became lost. Rain, wind and heavy cloud cover have decreased visibility for the rescue squads. But with temperatures staying well above freezing, Park rangers and Sluder County Police stay optimistic the others will be rescued without injury. Our hearts go out to all the families and everyone involved in the search.”

Cherry glanced down at the blank piece of paper on the plastic blue desk. She looked up again.

“People are horsing around at the Western North Carolina Farm Center with the arrival of a brand new pony.”

“But this is no ordinary horse, of course, of course,” piped Norvel. “Mackenzie is a Falabella Miniature Horse standing a little over two feet tall. Curators say the pony originates from Argentina and is one of the rarest breeds in the world. You can go see Little Mac for yourself at the petting corral.”

It happens every year,” said Cherry, “and its success depends on you.“

“Later,” said Norvel, “details on Operation Blood Drive.”

By the following morning, Sunday, my fly-by-night infatuation had congealed into obsession. And it wasn’t just the news I was anticipating, yet sill had not heard – that rescue teams had at last found them, that Hannah was alive and safe, that Fear (renowned for its hallucinogenic qualities) had conjured up everything I’d heard and seen. there was something undeniably gripping about Cherry and Norvel (Chernobyl, I called them) a quality that forced me to withstand six hours of talk shows (one theme of significance, “From Frog to Prince: Extreme Male Makeovers”) and cleaning commercials featuring housewives with too many stains, kids and not enough time, to catch their second segment together, Your Stocktono Power Lunch at 12:30. A wide and triumphant smile elbowed through Cherry’s face when she announced she was the sole anchor this afternoon.