Mashing up 13 minutes of nonstop news

With their new tag line, WLOSers claim to offer “13 minutes of nonstop news” every night at 11. Well, we were slack this week in keeping up day by day, so here’s your week in news, in mash-up form. We’ve just mixed it all up and spit it back out with our own beats. If it takes you longer than 13 minutes to read a week’s worth of WLOSer news, then that’s sayin’ something.

Sex with band directors
OK, what the hell is it with high school band directors railing their students? Seriously, what the hell is it? Russ “Beefcake” Bowen told us last night that a band teacher at West McDowell Junior High has been charged with felony sex offense. The teacher resigned Friday after being charged with boffing a student.

Russ said the guy was the fifth band director to be charged in less than five years with porking a student. He ticked off the list – Erwin High School, Polk County High, Swain County High and Smoky Mountain High all have had band directors caught with their skin flutes in the wrong places.

Look, we all know the band kids are a little needy, a little off, a little over-sexed themselves. They’re like the drama kids, only not so gay. So when you throw in a young guy to direct all those swirling hormones, you’re just asking for trouble. Do like they did when we were in high school – hire the rudest old dude with gross ear hair you can find and be done with it.

Drunk and disorderly
Russ told us about a dude who got drunk and fired his gun outside his home off Smith Cove Road in Candler Saturday night. He shot his own car. In other news that really wasn’t news: there was a motorcylce wreck on the Blue Ridge Parkway; some dude from Brevard is missing and needs his meds and left his car on the parkway; and Buncombe deputies are looking for two teen girls who ran away from home (they’re Erwin High students). Oh, and gas prices suck. And the Curb Market in Hendersonville opened. And Hendersonville Christian school had a fancy dinner to raise money to build a new $10 million school.

Swarm!
We’re definitely going to check this out – there’s a swarm of hostile bees on a tree near Alan’s Jewelry and Pawn on Patton Avenue in West Ashvegas. The store is having to keep people out of a part of the parking lot because the bees are nasty.

WLOSers didn’t really say much more about what’s going on, but we’re sure this could be a cool story. What are the bees up to? Did a new queen come out of the pawn shop with some amazing new bling? We don’t know, but we’re going to go take photos and we’ll get back with you.

Dog whisperer
Julie Blunder brought us weak report about a new Ashvegas Humane Society worker who likes to train dogs. Wow – that’s a shocker.

Travis has a way with dogs, according to Julie, who talked to Travis’ boss and got some video of some cute dogs obeying his every command. She made him out to have some sort of mysterious powers over man’s best friend. But when she asked him what his secret was, he totally drained any mystery from the story. (By the way, a WLOSer photographer adopted a dog featured in the report.)

“Treats,” he said. “The right reward at the right time.” So that’s the trick.

We’ll, we could tell you that.

The immigration march
Ashvegas saw its largest protest march in recent history on Monday when about 2,000 people paraded through the streets of Ashvegas to show their might, WLOSers said. That was about it – lots of people downtown. Some people think illegal immigrants shouldn’t be allowed to be in the U.S. Others said more power to them, they’re just trying to better their lives. And bygod, this country started as a nation of immigrants.

Old woman killed crossing the street
Jon “Punnyman” Le, who has been doing a lot more news and a lot fewer puns, brought us the tragic story of 83-year-old sisters who were struck by a minivan while crossing Sweeten Creek Road after buying strawberries from a roadside vendor.

One woman was killed. The other was seriously injured. And the old guy who sold them the strawberries was all broken up because it happened right in front of him.

More old people news
In other old people news, an 86-year-old driver crashed into the Biltmore Exxon after going on a bit of a wild ride over medians and such. Nobody was seriously injured. As usual, the excuse was that the driver got the gas and brake pedals mixed up.

Achievement gap
Leigh Young spoke to the Asheville school board. She was representing an “innovation task force” seeking to end the achievement gap in city schools. No word on what the specifics were, at least from the WLOSer reporting.

Saving the trees
A couple of the high-minded Merrimon Avenue liberals, who are all about hating any new development in their precious little neighborhoods, threw themselves in front of bulldozers this past week.

A construction crew was starting work at the former Burger King location. They’re going to build some new office space there and were prepping the site. The crew started taking out some trees at the back of the lot, and that sent the tree-hugging neighborhood activists into overdrive. They threw themselves in front of the heavy equipment and said one of the workers threatened to shoot them. The city issued a stop-work order and got things calmed down.

To make up, the developer will plant some new trees and bushes. OK? Everybody happy now?

Woodfin’s bad rap
The town of Woodfin just can’t win, can it? WLOSers had a report about a big community meeting there to talk about the town’s annexation plans. But WLOS focused on Woodfin’s horrible reputation, what with it being the home of a sewage treatment plant and lots and lots of rumors.

The town is aggressively planning to annex some big new high-end developments going up now. Guess they want that tax revenue before Ashvegas gobbles it up. If it all goes through, Woodfin would add 3,000 new residents, effectively doubling its size.

But WLOSers focused on a couple of residents who said they identify more with Weaverville than with Woodfin. And they said they especially don’t like the “negative stigma” attached to Woodfin. WLOSers reported that there’s been “a lot of corruption” in town, and they quoted one guy who said, “And then there’s that baby diaper incident.”

Of course, WLOSers didn’t explain any of this, or offer any background or context. Here’s the deal – a few years back, the SBI was investigating charges of political corruption with the state Division of Motor Vehicles. The Woodfin police chief at the time was Pete Bradley, a former DMV employee. As part of its investigation, the SBI collected some information about Bradley’s penchant for attending parties where men donned diapers for their sexual gratification. The town fired Bradley, who sued. They ended up settling out of court – the town is rumored to have paid Bradley $1 million in taxpayers’ money to end the lawsuit. The Woodfin police chief before Bradley was sent to prison for roughing up a couple of people while arresting them and violating their civil rights.

Windshield cracked
An Ashvegas police officer says someone threw a rock at his electric-powered vehicle on Haywood Street. His windshield was cracked. Probably somebody who just got another parking ticket.

Santa’s Land “Roughed” up
Somebody stole a little bear cub from its enclosure at Santa’s Land and killed it – it was found dead along the road. WLOSers said it was probably a former employee who did the dirty deed. The amusement park just recently opened.

The bear cub’s death had the local community up in arms because the cub was one of two adorable little creatures that people knew and loved – they were named “Rough” and “Tough.” Rough was killed.

There’s a reward of $1,300 being offered in this case.

Gloryhole confused
Larry “Gloryhole” Blunt told us about Donald Rumsfeld getting heckled during a speech he was giving last week. Who did the heckling? “Anti-war protesters,” said Gloryhole. Wrong.

For the millionth time, let us explain it to you – if someone stands up and gives Rumsfeld the what-for, that person is a “war protester.” They’re protesting war. If someone is an “anti-war protester,” they must be for the war, right? They are protesting anti-war, which means they’re pro war.

Got it, Gloryhole?

In other news…
The Buncombe school board approved a $184 million dollar budget for 06-07 that goes on to commissioners for approval… Buncombe County and Asheville city schools pulled out of the Leandro lawsuit against the state that sought better funding for small, poor school systems… Diane Shepherd of the Buncombe County school board got married – she’s Diane Sharp now – and she’s resigning and moving away… Local Wiccans participated in the National Day of Prayer observance at Pritchard Park… Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church in Montford held a fundraiser – church members want to build a traditional Byzantine-style church that will cost nearly $1 million.

WNC Inventor
The Punnyman, in a shameless rip-off and promotion of ABC’s “American Inventor” show, continued his version of the reality slop, called smartly enough, “WNC Inventor.”

Le, who talked about the “path to the patent” and kept calling the inventions “gizmos and gadgets,” profiled three locals who had their own little inventions they were sure would change the world.

A Burnsville mom invented something called the “Buggy Buddy,” which looked like an old sofa cover with a bunch of pockets in it. It was designed for “safety, convenience and support” for kids riding in buggies and such, she said.

Another dude invented something called a “Wallpaper Buddy,” which was basically an apron with a bunch of different-sized pockets, all for holding wallpaper tools.

OK, let’s stop right there for a moment – why are all inventions called “buddy”? And why is it just something with extra pockets?

Anyway, the Punnyman finally got around to a real gadget, which wasn’t so much an invention as just a new twist on an old gizmo, the restaurant pager.

A local guy developed what he called the “Infocube,” a restaurant pager that can be customized with logos, outfitted with menus and offers trivia questions and answers. The Stone Ridge Tavern in Ashvegas uses them.

So here’s the deal – all you readers can vote for your favorite invention/inventor, and the winner will be announced this week. The previous week’s winner was a Franklin man who invented something called the “Sure Mark Stud Finding Tape.”

In still other news…
About 20 workers at the Coats American plant in Henderson County got sick and the plant shut down. No word on what caused the illnesses… A Rutherford County man died… There was a truck fire on 19/23 that forced emergency workers to close down the road Friday for a bit… People who live near the new Richmond Hill Park under construction now by the city aren’t happy about the land being developed… Asheville bought some beetles to deploy against another little insect that kills hemlock trees… The stoplights on Hendersonville Road will be synchronized by this time next year, hopefully… Cops are sat atop Krispy Kreme on Patton Avenue to raise money for something, but when we went buy, we didn’t see any cops on the rooftop Friday about 6 p.m…. Carolyn “Little Red” Ryan says the state will have about a $1 billion surplus work with when legislators go back to Raleigh this week.