Loyal reader Pubcrawler passes this along:
A FEW TIPS ABOUT NAVIGATING IN THE CITY OF ASHEVILLE
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is “ashvul.”
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Asheville has its own version of traffic rules…the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)
3. To find anything in Asheville it is required that you know where “malfunction junction” is… which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
6. You must know that “I-240” and “I-40” are the same road.
7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Asheville. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-240 is 75 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is the Asheville version of NASCAR. If considered sissy on I-240, do not even consider driving on I-26.
11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone…..you are considered a road hazard, and will be admonished with the acceptable sign language.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. If it’s 60 degrees, “Leaf looking” must be next weekend.
15. If it’s 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Asheville residents consider this “demolition derby” day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you could be their next target. Also note that the mere possibility of ice on the road will shut down all schools and most businesses until the crisis passes.
16. The “I-240/I-40 intersections” are considered one of the city’s most exciting amusement attractions. Beware though…it is not for the faint of heart.
17. Tunnel Road and Biltmore Village convert to parking lots during all holidays and weekends. Please enter these streets cautiously, find the nearest parking space and walk to the mall for the quickest access.
8 Comments
Here is a few more.
1. On the most narrow and congested street expect to get stuck behind some asshole on a bicycle.
2. Be prepared to look at shitty cars covered in ALL ONE bumper stickers.
3. Try not to breathe in the blue smoke coming from the car with the "stop global warming" sticker.
4. If the car in front of you has Florida plates be prepared to flip them off.
5.If there is a SUV behind you move to the shoulder and let them by because they are better than you. Or atleast they think so.
6. If anyone from WLOS is near the roadside doing a story be sure to blow your horn as you pass.
7. If you don’t stomp the gas pedal as soon as a traffic light turns green be prepared for someone to honk thier horn.
8. Don’t be alarmed by the bad smell when driving through downtown it’s just the hippies.
9. The next time someone has a I <3 new york sticker on thier car roll down your window and ask"if new york is so fucking great why did you move here?"
10. If a mexican is getting out of a car expect 40 more to follow.
ASH – this is effing GENIUS…. you did it again! I was nodding & laughing at every one cause it’s no exaggeration – it really is SO TRUE. And honking is brought to you by Floridians & New Yorkers. They go to AVL for peace & bring their crap to OUR (well, used to be my) town. I use to REF– — USE to give directions to Floridians. Seriously. After a tourist asked me for directions – I’d first ask them where they were from. If they said "Florida", I would say – "Sorry, I can’t help you." They’d usually ask why & I’d say "Cause you’re from Florida" & walk off. I’m a bitch, but they’re rude,cannot drive, and are driving up the cost of property. So, NO I will NOT give you directions. You can find your own way around here you Asheville Cloggers. I’m a beeotch & I’m okay with that 😉
I find that nearly every time I take Swannanoa River Rd to Wal-Mart I brush by someone dressed in black walking on the white line. So, I choose to take the Fairview route.
Also, it’s safe to assume that most people in Asheville do not know how to manuever through a roundabout. I do not understand, for the life of me, why they created that one downtown.
Man, quit lying about me!
I fucking wear BROWN when I walk on the highway.
Black. Pleeeeze.
The nerve.
Minimum speed limit is 75mph on I-240 ? Are you insane? It’s a good day if I am able to hit the posted limit of 50!
Also, and most importantly, the writer didn’t mention to look out for the invisible pedestrian sidewalk that weaves in, out and thru I-240. It is YOUR responsibility to not run over the seedy looking characters dressed in all black walking on I-240 at 11 PM.
Tips for driving in asheville:
Have a great auto insurance plan. Becuase your ass is getting in a wreck.
No I think they mean Future I-26, no?
I-240 and I-40 are the same road? Maybe he means I-26 and I-40.