Wrapping up the week in news

Blackhawk down

Heather Shelton, the 22-year-old teacher’s assistant at North Buncombe High School, turned herself in to police after they charged her with having sex with an 18-year-old student at the school. In North Carolina, it’s illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, despite both parties being of legal age of consent (16).

Jon “Punnyman” Le told us the “big story” in the “small town” of Weavervegas, pop. 2,500. The Punnyman spent most of his time in a no account barbershop in town decorated with stickers of the North Buncombe mascot, the mighty Blackhawk, and the school colors, black, silver and red.

There was a talkative barber and a couple of talkative clients. The Punnyman also talked to a couple of female students. The opinion was mixed. A couple people said the girl certainly shouldn’t go to jail for boffing an 18-year-old. A couple others said she shouldn’t ever be allowed to teach again.

Over at the Tan Universe shop on Merrimon Ave., where Heather worked part-time, nobody was talking. WLOSers had some video of some other hotties in short skirts out front talking.

Let’s get real, here. If the cops arrested every teenager for all the ass-tappin’ that goes down, our jails would be full. It’s against the law for a man and woman to cohabitate in North Carolina. Sodomy is against the law in this state. Do you see the cops rounding people up for that?

Give the poor girl a break.

When bears attack
A black bear attacked a family camping in the Chilhowee camping ground of the Cherokee National Forest in Tenneessee, just across the Graham County line. The bear killed a 6-year-old and maimed the child’s mother and 2-year-old sibling.

Wildlife officials used donuts and honeybuns to try to coax the bear into a trap. No word on if that worked. But this is just another reminder that these are wild animals, people. Around Ashvegas, it’s no big deal to see a bear or two, or a momma with cubs, feasting on a backyard feeder or mauling a trash can. But these are dangerous animals, folks. Stay away.

Twist of fate
In a bizarre twist of fate, one soldier from Asheville who died this week in a suicide bomb attack had pulled another Asheville soldier out of the helicopter wreckage in which he died a month or two ago.

*Carolyn “Little Red” Ryan,” brazilliantly decked out in an Easter lilly white pantsuit, brought us the stunning story of how these two soldiers must surely be meeting up in heaven. Here’s what happened:

Kenneth “Kenny” Hess died in a suicide bomber’s attack earlier this week. Back in January, he had been assigned to pull the bodies from a Kiowa helicopter shot down in Iraq. One of the bodies was of Mitch Carver, of Leicester.

When Hess died this week, Carver’s father contacted Hess’ father. When the two talked, they made the connection. The two have pledged to support one another.

Agonizing interview
Jay Seltzer had another agonizing “celebrity” interview at noon. ABC, as always, uses noon slots to promote the hell out of their other shows. So Seltzer had the chance to talk to Barry Watson, a star of What About Brian. He used to be on “Seventh Heaven.”

When Jay ran out of things to talk about, which happened in about 30 seconds, Jay started reaching. Finally, he said, “You’ve beaten cancer. I’ve beaten cancer…” It was a horribly awkward moment. Jay, we really don’t need to constantly be reminded that you had testicular cancer an now you don’t. And does anybody really “beat” cancer? You never know.