Apologies to everyone for a quiet week. Ashvegas has been galavanting around the state, hobnobbing, canoodling and generally being a lazy fuck when it comes to updating the funk, the noise, you’ve come to know and love.
Let’s get back on the train, because the news never stops, does it? Remember, it’s sweeps. So be on the lookout for some craziness.
Plant explosion
There was a big chemical plant explosion earlier in the week in Morganton, and WLOS acted like it happened here. Sheraldo and Cherub Charu rocketed down Old Fort Mountain to get to the scene, an hour east of Ashvegas, to tell us what CNN and MSNBC had already been telling us all afternoon.
We appreciate the effort and all, but save it for something local, ok people?
Satan rules
Since when did a bunch of punks with spraypaint deserve all kinds of TV news coverage? You’d think graffiti was a new concept the way WLOSers have been covering it. First, there were some punks spraypainting “Satan Rules” on church doors. Then there were rumors that some new Mexican gangstas had moved into Hendersonville, because all kinds of spraypainted “tags” had shown up on buildings down there.
Sigh. Here’s the deal, WLOSers. First, let me tell you who is not doing this: it is not a roving band of horn-headed cultists with blood dripping from their mouths; it is not a gang of machete-wielding Mexican mobsters threatening to take over a town. It is a handful of punk-ass teenagers trying to get a rise out of anyone. Got it? So stop giving the little shits exactly what they’re looking for and keep your news reports in context.
Tammy buys a TV
All week long, we’ve been hearing about how The Boss at WLOS really, really wants Pittsburgh to win the Super Bowl. We’ve been hearing this because WLOSers have been sucking up to The Boss during their happy talk segments by telling us The Boss is behind the Steelers, so they’re all behind the Steelers. And we’ve been hearing all this because WLOS is an ABC station and – guess what – the Super Bowl airs on ABC.
Whaddya know?
So Punnyman did a story about high definition TV and plasma screen and LCD TVs and whether or not you had enough time to go out, buy a TV and get it hooked up to see the game in hi-def.
The weird thing was that the Punnyman was really just following around Tallahassee Tammy Watford while she was buying a new set at Best Buy. And she wasn’t even buying a cool televison – it was still a gigantic, square box.
Basically, the Punnyman told us absolutely nothing at all about how all the new televisions work, or what hi-def TV means or anything. The one thing he did do was quote another fellow WLOSer – some engineer dude – who basically said if you want to watch the big game in hi-def, you need to stick an antennae on your rooftop and get it that way. Seriously.
Getting your balls blown off sucks
In the “ouch report” category, WLOSers had a story about an Ashvegas police bust of a crack house in West Asheville. What made this a story was that the cops used a “stun grenade” to blow into the house and said grenade went off in the lap of a dude inside.
An explosion in the groin is no laughing matter, WLOSers told us, adding that “there’s no word yet on whether a lawsuit will be filed,” or something like that. There was word, though, on the fact that the dude’s balls had swollen to the size of grapefruits and that his girlfriend hand promptly dumped him.
Historic McCormick Field
How many times did WLOSers use the words “when the walls come tumblin’ down” in their multitude of stories about the Big Blue Monster getting torn down at McCormick Field? I don’t know either, but it was a lot.
Anyway, it’s going to be cool this spring to go out to the ballfield and see a new Big Blue Monster, and a new scoreboard that actually works. V. cool.