Stu Helm: Food Critic on Ambrozia, Biscuit Head, Finding Asheville, Friends Against Butts

Hello, Asheville!

Have you been enjoying the warm weather? And then freezing your asses off the very next day? WTF?!?

I don’t mind the cold, but I’m not a huge fan of the sunshine, so this crazy weather pattern has me all effed up. One minute my eyes and skin are safely protected by a layer of clouds and gloom, and the next minute the fucking sun is burning its way through all three layers of my black cotton outer-coating, to boil my flesh alive in its own savory patchouli-scented juices. A short walk to Clingman Cafe the other day turned into a Tatooine death march for me, as I struggled my way through the glaring daylight, confused and enraged, clawing at the sunlight, like some kind of Frankenstein Monster loosed upon an uncaring world. It was horrible.

Then I left my dang sunglasses on the counter at Clingman’s and my walk home was a marathon squint-fest the likes of which the world has never seen… Did I mention that I’m not a fan of the sun?

Who cares that it makes plants grow?

Anyhoodles…  FOOOD!!!

AMBROZIA – North Asheville

Well, Dawn and I finally made it aaalll the way out to Ambrozia, and fuckin’ aye, it was good! Like, really good. Like really really really fucking awesome and good.

I’m joking about it being “aaalll the way out” there, of course, because it’s only just up there in North Asheville… Past the Ingles on Merrimon Ave? On the opposite side of the street? In that little group of storefronts up there?  Right across from Cecilia’s Kitchen and up the road a little bit. Yes! Right there. Phew. Why’s it so fucking hard to explain to people where Ambrozia is? I’ve done it a hundred times, even to people who live right up near it, and they’re always like, “Next to the Ingles?”  “Near Edna’s?” “Didn’t Dancing Bear used to be up there?”

What is with people who ask for directions these days anyways? It’s called Ambrozia. It’s located in Asheville. That should be enough info to get anybody where they wanna be.

“Is it where Marco’s is?” No.  It’s where GOOGLE is.

Anyfuckinghoodles…

Although we’d never properly eaten at Ambrozia, Dawn and I had already had the pleasure of meeting Chef Sam and tasting his food at several events, including the Blind Pig / Pig Lebowski Dinner at Sky-Lanes Bowling, the Wine and Food Festival, and the Battle of Burger. We’ve always enjoyed his food at these events, and Sam himself has always been a very friendly, upbeat, and likable guy towards us, so we immediately took a shine to his cooking, as well as his personality. We’d been looking forward to going to his venue to have the Ambrozia experience for a long time and we were not disappointed.

Let’s just say right up front: They saw us coming. Literally. There’s a giant plate glass window that allows the kitchen staff to see right outside into the parking lot, and the patrons to likewise see in. Chef Sam spied us, and came outside to greet us. We asked him what he recommended that night, and he let us know without hesitation: The lobster pot pie, and the lamb chop.

Sold.

Everyone knows that lobster pot pie is three of my favorite things on Earth, and the way Chef Sam described the lamb chop convinced us that it was his baby. Dawn’s brother Bob is an amazing cook who ran the family restaurant for 20 years, and he told us “When you go someplace nice, get the chef’s special. They take pride in it.” Following Bob and Sam’s advice made it easy for us to decide on at least two items for our dinner, and it was nice knowing some of what we wanted to eat before we even walked in the door.

In addition to the pot pie and lamb chop, we had an amuse-bouche, some small bites, steak-frite, several sides, drinks, coffee, excellent service, an attractive decor, pleasant atmosphere, and music that was totally not annoying. It was all great and our evening at Ambrozia is now a contender for best over-all meal of 2015 so far. For realsies.

Here’s the BID:

AM– — USE-BOUCHE – The amuse-bouche was particularly amoozing, as it was a high-end take on the typically and decidedly not-high-end Suburban party special called “ambrosia.” Now… normally… I would eschew such a dish, but in the capable hands of Chef Sam, I had confidence that it would rule. And it did. First of all: No mini-marshmallows. Instead there was a cube of house-made marshmallow with a little bit o’ sear on the outside. YUM!!! Fuck all mainstream, commercially manufactured marshmallows. I was in my 20’s before I learned that a marshmallow is a flower, and not a form of plastic. I was stunned to learn that one could make awesome, delicious marshmallow treats right in one’s own kitchen, using all natural ingredients… if one enjoys picking flowers in a marsh, and making a giant mess at home… which I don’t, so I ‘ll leave the marshmallow making up to the kitchen at Ambrozia. The rest of the salad consisted of the usual ingredients for ambrosia — citrus and cherries — and was likewise delish.

FYI – I asked the server (who was really awesome) if all the patrons would receive an amuse-bouche that night and she said, “Yes!” So, there you go, motherfuckers. If you want an amuse-bouche, go to Ambrozia, and save your complaints about how I get special treatment for another time…

…like right now…

KITCHEN’S CHOICE – The kitchen sent out a small assortment of things for us to try, because… (Insert drama sting here)… they wanted us to try them. No big whoop. There were six small items lined-up on one of those long rectagular white plates that stuff comes lined-up on these days, and here’s what-all was on there:

• Two “trout nachos,” consisting of smoked NC trout, a bread ‘n butter pickle, sprouted things, and Sriracha aioli on a wonton chip. Maaaan… this li’l guy was so fucking good, I could have eaten a plate of them. I don’t even really like smoked fish all that much… or Sriracha aioli… or wontons… WTF? This had all the makings of a bite that I would regret biting, but it was fucking awesome. I love when that happens. I highly recommend this appetizer to anyone who either loves or hates all those ingredients. I’m craving it as I write this.

• Two deviled eggs, with bacon jam, and a deep fried sage leaf poking out the top. Deep fried leaves seem to be trending right now, and I personally dig the trend. This sage leaf was cute to look at, fun to eat, and added a nice crunch and subtle sage-y flavor to the taste. The bacon jam? I want to find the person who invented bacon jam, drop to one knee, kiss their signet ring, and pledge my loyalty to them forever. It’s the most bomb-titty-ass-bombest fuckin’ thing ever created, and whaddaya know, it goes good on an egg.

• Two country ham and artichoke fritters. One of the things I love about the South is that there’s 73% more frittering going on down here than up North. You crazy MFers — oops, I’m sorry — Y’all will form anything you can into a ball, deep fry the fuck out of it, and call that bitch a fritter. Thanks, Dixie! Does a deep-fried ball of country ham and artichokes, dipped into a savory, spicy “fermented hot sauce” appeal to me? Fuck yes. It sure does.

LOBSTER POT PIE (with chorizo) – You know you’ve had a great meal when the one and only questionable aspect of the whole experience is the name of something. Upon taking our order, our awesome server said, “We”ll get that lobster bisque started,” after which I inquired, “Do you mean Lobster pot pie?“ She corrected herself, but took the time to describe the lobster pot pie, which indeed sounded more like, and pretty much was, a lobster bisque with a crust on top.  Make no mistake, it was de-fuckin’-licious, but our server was wise to explain it to us ahead of time, as we might have otherwise been, like, “WTF? This ain’t no pot pie.” Instead we enjoyed it for what it was: A thick, creamy, smokey lobstery, chorizo-y bisque, with a biscuity, flakey, crust afloat on top. It was awesome.

CHEF’S SPECIAL: LAMB CHOP w/ Shepherd’s pie and eggplant – Okay, so first of all, this lamb chop instantly became the number one best lamb chop I’ve ever tasted. That’s right: Best ever.  Start here: It was tender. Let that settle in for a minute. It. Was. Tender. That is so fucking important when it comes to lamb, and I’ve had so much not-tender lamb in my life that I kind of shy away from it on the menu, but again as it was the chef’s special, we tried it and we were both really glad we did. The flavor was just as awesome as the tenderness, and the sauce that it came in was perfect. A plumb or pear sauce or some such. At first we were both, like, “why shepherd’s pie with a lamb chop?” Basically lamb with a side of lamb. Then Dawn said, “Actually, it’s great. Like two very different treatments of the same protein on one plate.” She was right, as usual, and this pairing was very satisfying and delish. The eggplant scored high marks on the Three T’s: Texture, temperature, and taste. Not one bad bite on this whole plate.

STEAK FRITE – Steak-frite is a Belgian term that basically means steak with fries. Butter and black pepper are key ingredients when cooking the steak, and Chef Sam’s frites were smoky, and had a bacony quality to the flavor, plus they came in a brown paper bag, which was fun. I sometimes hate this kind of ironically low-brow prestation in high-brow venues, but this was working for me. WARNING: Dump your fries from the bag fast or they’ll get sogged-out in there. I requested that my steak be prepared “medium,” and Dawn asked, “Don’t you mean medium rare?” Good catch, Dawn, but I’d recently decided to switch-it-up. Our server said the medium steak would be hot all the way through, but remain pink in the middle. I said, “Perfect,” and it was. The Ambrozia kitchen cooked it perfectly for me. Ordering “medium” steaks is dicy as fuck, because if they take it too far… she’s a goner. The chefs at Ambrozia took it just as far as it needed to be taken. It was great. There were also two sauces and some slaw involved. One sauce each for the steak and frites, and a nice, fresh, subtle, tender Brussles sprouts slaw that went very well with the smoky fries and umami-y beef. Yum!!!

DESSERT – We skipped dessert. We were stuffed, plus my chocolate allergy is like a big wet blanket at the pastry party. When you go to Ambrozia —  and I am recommending right now that you go to Ambrozia — try the dessert and let me know what you think.

Dawn had a cocktail and some wine, both recommended by our server, and both were excellent according to Dawn. I took pictures, but they came out terrible. You’ll just have to try those for yourself too.

I had the coffee and it didn’t blow my socks off, but it was good and hot and it did the trick.

So…  for those of you that need the BID to be broke down even further…

• The food was awesome.
• The service was great.
• The best lamb chop I’ve ever tasted.
• The pot pie is more of a bisque, but still delish.
• 4.5 stars out 5 for this entire experience, which is in contention for a Best of 2015 Stoobie Award.