Saturday night’s news

Real breaking news
Russ “Beefcake” Bowen has some real breaking news to report Saturday night – police were searching for a man thought to be armed and dangerous after a body was found just off the Blue Ridge Parkway near the Mountains to the Sea Trail and milemarker 390.

The cops closed of a chunk of the parkway was the FBI, SBI, parkway rangers and local police investigated. Mary JugLiquor brought us the report, which was unusual. Mary usually doesn’t work weekends. But she brought us a fact-packed report about the disappearance of a retired Cleveland County man who went missing.

Parkway rangers had spotted a suspicious vehicle on the parkway and snapped photos of it. Then, when cops in Cleveland County sent out a “bolo,” or “be-on-the-look-out” bulletin about a missing man, they mentioned a white vehicle. Park rangers remembered, then went and investigated. The car was gone, but there was a beaten path 75 yards off the parkway, and rangers found a body.

The police are looking for a 1989 Ford Festiva, with plate number TRY-2309. It’s a two-door, white with a red stripe.

Earth Day
The extent of WLOSer coverage of Earth Day on Saturday night was that Earth Fare is going to recycle plastic bags. That’s it? WTF?

Weather by Bob
Who knew Bob Cobweb could stay up past 5 p.m.? He can, because he did the weather Saturday night. Bob chuckled his way through the report. Nothing fancy, except he got off a real boner as Russ transitioned to the weather report from a story about a man who shot himself nine times in the head with a nail gun. Russ said the dude, high on meth, was trying to commit suicide.

Russ joked that the dude will probably have a headache and won’t like the weather wherever he is. Then Bob jumped in – “Hit the nail right on the head, didn’t he?” Chuckles all around. Ha. Ha. Go back to the noon news, Bob, and shut the eff up.