Monday night news

You call this spring?
WLOSers jumped all over Monday’s crappy weather. Monday was, after all, the first day of spring. Yet it felt like winter, and Sheraldo ran with it.

Sheraldo, reporting from the wilds of Madison County, said the county got “more than a light dusting.” He described “near blizzard conditions” on I-26 at Sams Gap. And yes, he used the phrase “winter wonderland.” Or maybe that was Tallahasee Tammy at the anchor desk.

Here’s what happened, according to Sheraldo: Some toothless redneck said he saw some “big ol flakes.” Schools in Madison and Yancey closed.

The description was so over-hyped that it’s not even funny. Sheraldo’s video showed damp streets and a few ice pellets falling. Grass was poking through every bit of Madison County real estate he showed. Give us a damn break, already. What, you think we can’t see through the hyperbole?

Julie Blunder says there will be a chance of snow Tuesday night as well. At least she did better at 11 than she did at 6, when she stumbled so badly she asked viewers to “Let me start over…”

Speaking of Julie…
Did you guys see this limmerick in the newspaper the other day?

There once was lass named Wunder
Whose forecast was sometimes a blunder.
But she smiled so cute
In her smart little suit.
Who cares if sun equals thunder?
by Lane Zellman

Haywood County Council on Aging
Cherub Charu had a confusing report about controversy over the Haywood County Council on Aging. Something about some misappropriated money and county commissioners meeting to discuss the agency’s future. Charub never said for sure if anything was decided, but said that other agencies may take over some of the council’s duties.

Lottery tix
Lottery tickets will be on sale NEXT WEEK as long as a Wake County judge doesn’t mess things up by ordering an injunction. Lawyers are arguing over whether a lottery is a tax. Give up the lawsuit and move on. I want my tickets!

Downtown obstacle course
Michelle Boudin literally walked us through some traffic changes in downtown Asheville. She made it sound like the most intricate traffic grid ever, and quoted two or three dumb drivers who couldn’t figure it out. Then Michelle literally walked us through the construction barrels. Here’s the deal – one short little street is closed, so you have to make a couple of extra turns. No big deal; just follow the signs. Sheesh.

The God squad
Jon “Punnyman” Le rolled with a sickening report about a bunch of old Dookies who get together at a Lake Junaluska home to cheer on the Duke basketball team. Sickening, because I fucking hate Dook. And I can’t imagine anything worse than a bunch of righteous old retired ministers, all graduates of Duke’s divinity school, getting together to cheer.

They sing the school song. “My father’s roommate wrote that song,” one geezer said. They cheer by spelling D-U-K-E. Let me p-u-k-e. They cheer “Go to hell Carolina.” That’s not very God-like, now is it? Oh, and one geezer actually played basketball for Duke from 1948-52. They even have a poster that Coach K sent them, autographed. Whatever.

I can’t wait to watch Duke go down, and when they do, I’ll be thinking of those sad old folks, crying into their Bibles.

In other news…
Nobody showed up for a meeting to tell Buncombe County government what they want out of local leaders… More people showed up at a meeting on Haywood Road to talk about what development should happen on St. Joan of Arc’s property, which has been sold to a developer… Rosman High School students want the school board to ban smoking on the campus… There was a bad wreck on Long Shoals Road this afternoon… Asheville police issues a report on a December chase in which the chased driver ended up driving the wrong way up an interstate exit ramp and hit another driver, killing both… The funerals for two local soldiers will be held Tuesday… The smoke that settled over Ashvegas on Saturday stuck around due to some weird atmospheric conditions, but the air pollutionn didn’t exceed EPA standards for bad air… There’s a new plant coming to Henderson County. Elkamet will make something and hire 50 people over three years.