That’s the new tagling WLOS unveiled Wednesday night at 11. And sure enough, there was 13 minutes of non-stop nonsense. So here’s some of Thursday’s news:
Gas prices suck
What a show we got out of Carolyn “Little Red” Ryan. All we can say is, wow. In one report on gas prices sucking, Carolyn showed us she knows how to use an ATM machine, showed us how much one hundred bucks is and – and – she interviewed Patch the Dog. Yeah, you heard that right. Carolyn interviewed a dog.
So here’s the story – lawmakers are coming up will all kinds of ideas to cut gas prices, including a “gas tax holiday” and $100 rebates for motorists. So Carolyn goes down to a local gas station and interviews a driver of a Yukon that’s big as a bus, who says yeah, gas prices suck. And then Carolyn interviews another woman who says that big oil companies deserve every penny of damn profit because this is the United State of By-God America.
So then Carolyn finds a driver with a tiny little “yo quiero Taco Bell” dog. So she stops and says, “Patch, what do you think of the gas prices?” and sticks the big microphone in Patch’s face. Patch looks scared, then lets out a little whimper and scampers off.
Folks, this was one entertaining report. More dog interviews, Carolyn! Now that’s some real reporting. We think Carolyn should do this every night – ask an animal a question a day and see how they answer. It’s a real ratings winner, not to mention a great boost to your credibility.
Rooftop body identified
After initially being stumped regarding the identity of a decomposed body found on the rooftop of the Auto Advantage on Biltmore Avenue, Ashvegas police did some real police work and figured things out.
WLOSers said police had no clue as to the age or sex of the body found Wednesday. Turns out the badly decomposed body was found with a wallet and I.D. So problem solved. The dude was reported missing from Franklin and last seen April 10, according to Cherub Charu.
Big new hotel
Michelle Boudin brought us a serious report about a plan to build a four-story hotel in Biltmore on property that is now the Exxon station right there in the village, just across the street from the entrance to the Biltmore Estate.
The proposed hotel would feature an art gallery, retaurant and bar and would be built in an architectural style to match the other village buildings. Local store owners said they would like to see a hotel there.
Celebrity golf
Jenny Dunn delivered a slobbering report about celebrities playing the BMW Charity Pro-Am at the Cliffs at Walnut Cove. Dunn only gave us half the story.
First, Dunn showed Kevin Costner. Costner seemed to be doing ok, then hit a ball into some mulch, then proceeded to hit it into a creek. So Costner said fuck it, walked over to some fans, signed a few autographs, then jumped in a car and left. Dunn said Costner blew off the media because he flew in late the night before from Canada, where he’s on another crappie movie shoot.
Dunn never once mentioned the controversy swirling around Costner lately. He’s been identified as the celeb accused of performing a sex act on himself after receiving a massage at a posh Scottish golf resort.
Next, Dunn interviewed famous golfer Gary Player, who said some witty things and made up for the lack of Costner. Tomorrow, Dunn with be tracking Wayne Gretsky and his wife, but we’re sure Dunn will fail to mention the gambling controversy swirling around the Gretskys.
In other news…
A bus hit a truck on a narrow road somewhere and nobody was hurt… The dynamite found in a car in Waynesville wasn’t really dynamite, but police explosives experts blew shit up anyway… a rabid racoon bit a dog somewhere… Thursday was Dining Out for Life day and Ashvegas restaurants were packed. Tammy and Russ and a couple other WLOSers were “guest servers” at restaurants to help raise money for the HIV/AIDS cause.
3 Comments
Regarding the "education gap" at Asheville High School (black students perform lower than whites, drop out at a higher rate etc.) and the absence of black adults at the education forum:
That’s precisely the problem: The absence of black adults (except single mothers and grandmothers) in these kids’ lives. The parents don’t value education, and they don’t care if the kids do or not.
It would be revealing to measure the academic accomplishments of black students in stable, two-parent homes versus those in other family situations. I would be willing to bet that the "traditional family" students outperform their MIA-Father peers.
Meanwhile, let’s stop blaming the educators, the system and, most notably, the white population, for any underachievement in schools. All of these task forces are looking in the wrong places, and owing to their liberal makeup, politically avoiding any discussion of the root problems.
– Bulldog
Carolyn can come over and interview Rocky. He purrs on command and will give anyone a tour of the pantry where his food bowl lives.
Thanks for clarifying the Costner situation. The news report I read was cagey about what happened. The guy needs to learn that the parlor’s motto has to be "Massages and more…" for him to get away with that shit.
WTF? Did you see the story about education help for people of color. the only thing they showed us were white students and no minorities. 13 on 13 looking really great. yeah