Here you go, from the always awesome whatshouldavlcallme:
The Asheville SATs
If you can pass this test about all things Asheville, you may continue to live here.
1. If you are driving on Merrimon at 50 miles per hour, and you see a cop hiding out in Weaver Park, what is your best option?
A. Driver Slower, you may hit someone, Merrimon is very dangerous!
B. Weave in and out of traffic like a boss, practicing your skills of handling the Asheville
C. Know that the cop won’t do anything
D. Drive by and honk loudly while you hold up your joint
2. Oh snap! Your conservative parents are coming for a surprise visit! You have about 45 minutes to clean and plan an activity where you don’t want to see anyone you know, how do you handle this?
A. Take a shower, cut dreads off, put on a tie, go to Rezaz for dinner
B. Say “fuck it”, smoke a bowl, be late meeting them at Tupelo Honey, order 5 drinks on their tab
C. Impress them with tickets to the Biltmore Estate you copped on Craigslist, but also show your true side with wearing the Phish concert tee from ‘98 poking out from your sweater
D. Get your parents drunk off of high alcohol beers to get their crazy stories from the 70s to use against them if they ever make fun of your Asheville life again
3. Your friends are at a house party down Leicester on some backroads, your GPS is broken and you are lost, you stop inside the Hot Spot to get some help:
A. Ask the toothless attendant where the street is
B. Turn out of Hot Spot and just drive on every back road in scary W. AVL/Leicester hybrid area until you see where to go
C. I can’t even finish this response because who wants to go to house parties in Leicester
4. How do you earn your Asheville street cred?
A. Sleep with a service industry worker, drink 10 PBRs in a row, sign up for Go Local card
B. Get tattoo sleeve, puke on 2 people at once, buy every ‘tobacco accessory’ at Octopus Garden
C. Go completely vegan, buy patchwork quilt, research getting your own chicken coop
D. Create a political only Asheville rant Twitter, shop only thrift, eat Cinnamon Rolls at West End every other day
5. Asheville is just not on your side today, You feel hungover at work, your thrift pants ripped, and you only have 10 dollars for the next three days, how do you survive?
A. Taco Bell, tears, internet for five hours
B. Walk around downtown for free entertainment: buskers, people watching, collecting change to buy one drink
C. Create a blog about Asheville and try to be cool
D. Smoke all day, create future costumes for music festivals, make pancakes for three days straight
Leave your responses in comments!
1. Traffic: I26:: Fall Leaves: ________
2. PBR: Hipster:: Craft Beer: _______
3. Merrimon: Grocery:: Haywood: _______
4. Advantage Card: Ingles:: _______: Asheville
5. Music: The Orange Peel:: _______: Bele Chere
6. Beauty: Blue Ridge Parkway: _______: Tunnel Road
7. Costumes: Music Festivals:: Beards: ________
8. Parking Downtown: Hell:: Going to the Mall:________
9. Binge Eating: Cookout:: Avoidance: _______
10. Sweeten Creek: Long:: Hendersonville Road: _________
Essay Questions: Points for creativity! (Please someone write one, I will publish it!)
1. How do you cope with the feeling that your love life is disappearing, you can’t find a job in town, and you generally feel Asheville is too small for you?
2. If you were mayor for the day, what new community laws would you implement in Asheville?
3. You are a new performance artist in town, what is your art about and your message to the world?
4. How do you feel about public nudity?
5. You are a ghost at Grove Park Inn, describe some of the scandalous activity you have witnessed?
True or False:
1. Skinny jeans look great on males
2. You can totally consume 5 10.2% alcohol content beers and feel fine
3. Ladies of Asheville like beards
4. Ladies of Asheville like other ladies all the time
5. Can you get sick from the French Broad River?
6. Asheville turns you gay
7. Patton Ave/Smokey Park is very beautiful
8. Buying all things local gets you into Heaven
9. Dating in Asheville has made you gain 30 lbs and seek therapy
10. Bele Chere is good for the local economy