whatshouldavlcallme_2013Here you go:

There are a lot of things I really love about Asheville but sometimes I just want to be like “wtf are you doing?” Let’s dissect these things:

 

 

1. The Mountain Xpress

There is no secret that Mountain Xpress is going through some rough times. I have heard different rumors/things from different people on their recent decline. Rumors aside, let’s analyze the failing product and offer some suggestions.  First, when I go through the Mountain Xpress, all I can see are massive advertisements on each page, it seems like this is their format of making borders around their newspaper. Let this go. Yes, it is the money maker but it is now just becoming one of those visitor coupon/advertisement books instead of informative material about all things Asheville. Second, most publishers or editors in chief contribute a little writing sometimes, maybe when the Best of WNC editions come out, Fobes can write a letter/post at the beginning about the year and businesses in the edition. It makes it seem like you are involved a bit.  Third, there are so many other changes that probably should happen, but the content should change the most such as much more fun interviews with  fantastic people living/working in Asheville besides a musician that comes to town for the week, fun things like street style should come back or more editorial contributors, like parenting or different artists. Maybe a standard fun article each week with  top 20 questions with someone on the street, or quirky articles about living in Asheville (kind of like my fabulous posts here–holla!) Also, should probably treat workers a little better so they don’t feel like they need to Unionize. Yeah, that might be it….

2. Darcel Grimes

Love ya girl, but please change your hair-do.  It’s been years. May I suggest maybe a short and sassy layered a la Halle Berry? Let me know if you wanna have a girls spa day!

3. Don Yelton

I wanted to let the dust rise a bit from the havoc of Hurricane Donny from his interview a few weeks back before I wrote about it…  First, props to Daily Show for making a “precinct” worker for a political party seem important. Hell, I can go to a volunteer event and raise my hand to be a precinct chair and will probably get elected to it, but that is besides the point. I know there is a lot of editing that happens during a long ass interview to mold the interviewee to look dumb and whatnot, but seriously, wtf are you doing Donny? Saying the N word openly just because you don’t understand why some people can say it and some can’t (May I suggest reading a race relations book or maybe just any book on history or maybe just a book on common sense?) as well as the fact that you really did not do a good job in  covering up the true motives of the Republican party in voter ID laws, come on now, you had years to prepare your false statements about Voter ID laws, did you not practice enough in the mirror? But the true WTF ARE YOU DOING moment is the statements released by the Buncombe County Republican party saying that Yelton’s views do not express the views of the BC GOP, oh really, you have not ever had conversations with this man before, read his crazy Facebook rants, asked questions with him in planning things? Did you really not know his views contradict those of the GOP?  Come on, nawww.

4. Ingles

I love Ingles, I really do and I still go there even when there is a new grocery chain popping up every other day,  but sometimes I want to be like stahp ingles, just stahp right there.  Props on getting some conveyor belts installed, because It was really weird trying to pack up your groceries on that little shelf thingie or with the cart, but there are things I like to tell you: Your workers cannot bag groceries worth for shit. In the beginning, I did not know if it was just me being bitchy and the guilt of not helping to bag my groceries, but as a true scientist, I went in more to test my hypothesis and developed my own theory: It ain’t me, it’s you.  Please do trainings with the teen workers, please for the love of all that is good with humanity.  Stop putting cans of soup in the same bag as my bread. SOFT AND HARD PRODUCTS NEED TO SEPARATE!  Do not overload my bag with massive amounts of food, it’s okay to separate sometimes! Please! Am I just being bitchy or does this happen to other people? I will change my ways if I am being bitchy but there have been some grocery bagging issues the past 7 times I have been there.  (For some mean comments coming my way, I do bag my own groceries a lot but sometimes I just test the theory again to see if they have changed and they haven’t and my heart breaks again!)  I do love you Ingles just please train the teenagers! Also, I really don’t understand your new point system for gas. I even asked the worker what up with this and they had no clue how to explain it.

5. Innsbruck Mall

I only go to Innsbruck Mall when I have to deal with my car registration and whatnot, but seriously what up with this place? Innsbruck Mall is kind of like a dementor from Harry Potter, it instantly sucks your soul away from you and all your happiness when you enter it. I feel like all my hopes and dreams die when I take that escalator up there. Seriously, wtf are you doing proprietors of Innsbruck Mall, who are you? Don’t you want to make money? How is this place still standing?  There needs to be some revitalization to this place, but  I am unsure of what to do and who to help us!  I feel like it needs to take a cue from that weird Downtown Market place and put in some vendors/flea market stuff or maybe it can be filled with furniture companies like that giant place in Hickory or maybe remodel it into a fun adult playground with slides and drinks? Am I the only one that wants it to be an adult playground? I need to work in construction and business.

6. Wedge Brewery

Going to the Wedge is one of my favorite activities, but I feel like a moderate sized and very popular brewery should have more than 4 toilets ( two in the main room, and a toilet and urinal in the secret bathroom)  I have to pee a lot when I am there from massively drinking and almost always feel like I am about to pee my pants when I am waiting in line.  Please, maybe build a little facility outside. I love you, never change, just include more toilets por favor.

7.  East Asheville

I feel like it is so lifeless there.  When I drive down Tunnel Road all the way I am just like blahblah a library blahblah car dealership  blahblah that other Ingles blahblah VA Hospital.  I guess we cannot really do much to help out there because it seems like all the businesses have been the same there forever but it is just so boring to me. I feel bored when I drive in East Asheville. Maybe some landscaping? Trees? Better businesses and restaurants? WTF are you doing? I think all the directional areas have pros and cons/some specific eccentricities to them, but when I think about East Asheville, I draw a blank. Just a lifeless street void of local character.

8. Franklin Graham

Ok, I know he is not a ‘local’ person, kind of semi-local but I feel like I need to comment on the atrocity that was Billy Graham’s birthday party.  I feel bad for Billy Graham, I am not very religious but I respect Billy Graham a lot. I feel like Franklin Graham has taken over all things Billy and turned his birthday into a douchey Tea Party rally. Donald Trump and Sarah Palin at his birthday party. Fo real? Wtf are you doing? Stop monopolizing on the ministry to fund your crazy tea party views. Poor ol’’ Billy, I imagine him on a rocking chair high a top on his Montreat estate shedding a single tear like the 1970s Indian PSA.

9. Drivers in town

I want to express that I have almost died about 6 times while driving on 240 this week. Hi, you see me trying to get onto 240 from the exit, no one is in the fast lane and you still won’t let me merge? HATE YOU!  Also, stop texting and keep in your lane. We are driving at high speeds and I don’t want to die because you don’t know how to stay in your lane.  Turn signals are also nice to use, kthanks. The four way stop at Kimberly drives me nuts, hello, observe who stopped first and then you get to go. Stop going 20 mph in the tunnel and then breaking down that mini-hill. Stop breaking in the middle of downtown to look at stuff.  Stop trying to make left turns out of businesses on Haywood (West End Bakery area- come on it’s a hard street just wait and turn around so you don’t fucking kill me).

10. Ending of big festivals

Bele Chere is gone. LAAF is gone. WTF are we doing? How will we collectively celebrate the craziness of Asheville? How do we put on a festival that supports local economy, love for fried Oreos, drinks out of coconuts and maybe some arts and crafts (but mainly drinks out of those coconuts-yum!)? What can we do here, maybe a day festival with slip n’ slides all over downtown (some investor reading this, please do this!)  A massive capture the flag game that spans all over downtown?(YASSS)  A food truck festival with music and games?  Let’s do something this summer, if nothing is planned yet for us, capture the flag is happening on Saturday June 21st, sign ups at the bar. See you there.

39 Comments

  1. my mechanic recommends to stay away from ingles gas, btw

  2. East Asheville Rocks!
    Smokes ‘n’ Stuff is where all us E-Ville hipsters hang out. There is also the scooter dealership where all the white lady mannequins stand around all day in the parking lot, rain or shine. Oh, and did I mention Smokes ‘n’ Stuff?
    And finally, the coup-de-gras of the US-70/TunnelRdEast corridor: the Shovelhead Saloon, the last of the great outlaw smoking saloons, the Swannanoa Secret. A place too tough for the car club, so tough you pronounce it “tuff”.

    By the way “Jason” you write like a girl: “brakes”

  3. Years ago some of us joked about taking over Innsbruck Mall with cool shops and stuff. But that would take time. And money.

    • I would go there. Somebody should figure out a way to bring back affordable arcade games. I’m not into this x-box stuff.

  4. Innsbruck Mall is weird? East Asheville is dull? Don Yelton is a loose cannon? Real groundbreaking stuff here.

  5. Brake. Braking. Braked.

  6. Thanks for badmouthing East Asheville. Maybe that will help buy us a few more years of peace and quiet out here.

    As for drivers here, I moved here 7 years ago after 25 years in Atlanta and I must say that Atlanta’s insane, reckless drivers tend to be more skillful than Asheville’s insane, reckless drivers.

  7. doghaus28815 says:

    they that swayed a bit off about my comment about east asheville…ummm.. do you live here?

  8. It’s true. It’s an epidemic out there on the road, use your G-dDamn turn signals! Maybe if you put your cell phone down for 2 seconds you would have the hand free that you need to use the turn signal. Texting is ILLEGAL here. Maybe if the drivers tests actually included this stuff instead of pointless trivia, it would make a difference…? Remember before cell phones, yeah I do, you waited til you got home or stopped to make a call. Worst drivers in the country, right here

  9. Okay so first, I love the super vast majority of your opinions. That said,

    1. Darcel is OFF LIMITS! ( ;

    2. The gas points system is super easy, you get a point for every buck spent on stuff, aside from alcohol (you mean to tell me I don’t get credit for all there boxes of wine!?), and the point accrument starts over every month, at which point you have one month to use the points from the preceding month, .05 off per gallon for every 100 points you’ve earned.

    Okay so that’s all the complaints. Thanks for being awesome!

  10. Innsbruck Mall- totally! the DMV there is all Twilight Zoney!

  11. Maybe you should turn off of Hwy 70 into an actual neighborhood – Haw Creek, Beverly Hills, Parkway Forest, Botany Woods – before you start passing judgment (as you drive through) about East Asheville being a “lifeless street void of local character”. How insulting. That’s like making a generalization about West Asheville’s character based on Patton Ave or Smoky Park Hwy. It might be “boring” to you, but I’d 10 times rather drive down Tunnel Rd East than the nightmare of Patton or Hendersonville Rd.

  12. 1) Too true about Mountain X. I used to need a day or more to get through it. Now it takes me longer to read Asheville Scene than MtnX. I don’t know the solution, but I hope one is found.

    4) I can far more easily suffer the teenagers’ inept bagging than the higher prices, and the underlying sanctimony, of the newer, more “progressive” chains.

    7)”East Asheville” does not really exist. Sticking a sign on a stretch of highway and calling it a neighborhood or district does not make it so.

    8) As for Billy Graham, You all bought Commie Bothwell’s hit piece for your coffee table. You all think Graham (Sr. and Jr.) is the bishop of the Right. Of course the Right will show up for their communion, and you know this. Enough with the fake surprise and disgust!

    • luther blissett says:

      “You all think Graham (Sr. and Jr.) is the bishop of the Right.”

      Personally, I think that Graham Sr. isn’t doing that much these days other than munching on warm grits, watching Bible cartoons, and taking regular trips to Mission, triggering the alarm for whoever’s on the C-T deathwatch duty rota.

      He ought to live out whatever time he has left in peace, before Franklin has him stuffed and mounted at Six Flags Over The Samaritan’s Wallet in Charlotte.

  13. How about some love for the Mountain Sports Festival that happens every year over Memorial Day Weekend? Great, free music – good food – and…wait for it – cold, local beer!! We also happen to be one of only 8 festivals in the world mentioned in Lonely Planet’s book of 1,000 Ultimate Adventures.

  14. First, I second that Darcel should get a new do. That could be the first story of the 5 o’clock news!

    Second, I really cannot stand the new conveyor belts in Ingles. I liked parking my cart at the shelf and not having to unload everything. And yes, those poor kids do not know how to bag. Stop asking me if I mind if you put the milk a plastic bag after I just handed you my pile of reusable bags. Common sense folks!

  15. Duncan Grosboll says:

    Great stuff Jason. I agree with everything you have said, especially the driving part! Here is an idea I had awhile back to make downtown more interesting and fun. ZIP LINES!! Yep string em up between the tall buildings downtown and you could zip all the way from the west side of downtown all the way down to the city building. Put outdoor porches at certain appropriate places so folks could get off and take in the sights, maybe a bar at one stop. There is already the Sky Bar… Wouldn’t that be fun? Sounds like a big money maker to me…

  16. As atrocious as the mall area is, E. Asheville isn’t all that bad. Blue Ridge Parkway/Folk Arts Center, Highland Brewing, Mr. K’s, Comic Envy, Papas and Beer, etc. You just have to know how to work around the black hole that is South Tunnel Rd.

  17. 2. I’ve always assumed Darcel’s hair is a wig. Do you think it’s not?

    4. Why I prefer self-checkout: 16-year-old boy touching my food. Enough said.

    (Yes, I know one of ’em touched it to put it on the shelf, but at least I didn’t have to see that.)

    5. I will totally come to the Innsbruck Mall adult playground with slides and drinks! No children allowed.

    7. Don’t be hating on East Asheville. I lived there for a while, and there are great neighborhoods that aren’t filled with hipsters or irony. You can drive more than 1/10 mile without a traffic light, it’s easy to make a left turn off of or onto 70, and frankly, it’s damned convenient to everywhere. True, there aren’t many decent restaurants, but maybe that’s one reason it’s still easy to get around there.

    9. I know, WTF with not letting anyone merge onto 240?? And put down the damned phone. Last week I saw two people (one behind the other) sit at an intersection through a green light because they were too engrossed in texting. I should be glad they weren’t in motion. Oh, and please stop honking your horn in the tunnel. Cute, but deafening and startling to pedestrians.

    10. Goombay’s gone too. I’m totally signing up for capture the flag on June 21. See you at the bar.

    (It’s GOT to be a wig, I’m serious.)

  18. embarrassing article

  19. doghaus28815 says:

    You hit the nail on the head about east ashe. I’ve been saying this all along. Don’t want to be h’ville rd. but, something, anything east of 240 would be nice.

  20. I agree wholeheartedly with #9. Worst… drivers… EVAH.

    Seriously, people, blind left turns at red lights (yes, you see that building there? It’s blocking your view of oncoming traffic, and besides, THE LIGHT IS RED FOR F*CK’S SAKE!!!) are not, I repeat NOT cool.

    And yeah, the left turns out of West End Bakery’s lot should be prohibited. With cars parked on the street, you can’t see traffic coming from either direction.

    • luther blissett says:

      Every time I get on 240, I see some kind of crazy, whether it’s dealing with the slingshot on-ramps out of town, or the under-taking nutcases heading into town. You ain’t tourists, you’re just terrible. (Drivers headed to Haw Creek: also crazy.)

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