There are a lot of things I really love about Asheville but sometimes I just want to be like “wtf are you doing?” Let’s dissect these things:
1. The Mountain Xpress
There is no secret that Mountain Xpress is going through some rough times. I have heard different rumors/things from different people on their recent decline. Rumors aside, let’s analyze the failing product and offer some suggestions. First, when I go through the Mountain Xpress, all I can see are massive advertisements on each page, it seems like this is their format of making borders around their newspaper. Let this go. Yes, it is the money maker but it is now just becoming one of those visitor coupon/advertisement books instead of informative material about all things Asheville. Second, most publishers or editors in chief contribute a little writing sometimes, maybe when the Best of WNC editions come out, Fobes can write a letter/post at the beginning about the year and businesses in the edition. It makes it seem like you are involved a bit. Third, there are so many other changes that probably should happen, but the content should change the most such as much more fun interviews with fantastic people living/working in Asheville besides a musician that comes to town for the week, fun things like street style should come back or more editorial contributors, like parenting or different artists. Maybe a standard fun article each week with top 20 questions with someone on the street, or quirky articles about living in Asheville (kind of like my fabulous posts here–holla!) Also, should probably treat workers a little better so they don’t feel like they need to Unionize. Yeah, that might be it….
2. Darcel Grimes
Love ya girl, but please change your hair-do. It’s been years. May I suggest maybe a short and sassy layered a la Halle Berry? Let me know if you wanna have a girls spa day!
3. Don Yelton
I wanted to let the dust rise a bit from the havoc of Hurricane Donny from his interview a few weeks back before I wrote about it… First, props to Daily Show for making a “precinct” worker for a political party seem important. Hell, I can go to a volunteer event and raise my hand to be a precinct chair and will probably get elected to it, but that is besides the point. I know there is a lot of editing that happens during a long ass interview to mold the interviewee to look dumb and whatnot, but seriously, wtf are you doing Donny? Saying the N word openly just because you don’t understand why some people can say it and some can’t (May I suggest reading a race relations book or maybe just any book on history or maybe just a book on common sense?) as well as the fact that you really did not do a good job in covering up the true motives of the Republican party in voter ID laws, come on now, you had years to prepare your false statements about Voter ID laws, did you not practice enough in the mirror? But the true WTF ARE YOU DOING moment is the statements released by the Buncombe County Republican party saying that Yelton’s views do not express the views of the BC GOP, oh really, you have not ever had conversations with this man before, read his crazy Facebook rants, asked questions with him in planning things? Did you really not know his views contradict those of the GOP? Come on, nawww.
I love Ingles, I really do and I still go there even when there is a new grocery chain popping up every other day, but sometimes I want to be like stahp ingles, just stahp right there. Props on getting some conveyor belts installed, because It was really weird trying to pack up your groceries on that little shelf thingie or with the cart, but there are things I like to tell you: Your workers cannot bag groceries worth for shit. In the beginning, I did not know if it was just me being bitchy and the guilt of not helping to bag my groceries, but as a true scientist, I went in more to test my hypothesis and developed my own theory: It ain’t me, it’s you. Please do trainings with the teen workers, please for the love of all that is good with humanity. Stop putting cans of soup in the same bag as my bread. SOFT AND HARD PRODUCTS NEED TO SEPARATE! Do not overload my bag with massive amounts of food, it’s okay to separate sometimes! Please! Am I just being bitchy or does this happen to other people? I will change my ways if I am being bitchy but there have been some grocery bagging issues the past 7 times I have been there. (For some mean comments coming my way, I do bag my own groceries a lot but sometimes I just test the theory again to see if they have changed and they haven’t and my heart breaks again!) I do love you Ingles just please train the teenagers! Also, I really don’t understand your new point system for gas. I even asked the worker what up with this and they had no clue how to explain it.
5. Innsbruck Mall
I only go to Innsbruck Mall when I have to deal with my car registration and whatnot, but seriously what up with this place? Innsbruck Mall is kind of like a dementor from Harry Potter, it instantly sucks your soul away from you and all your happiness when you enter it. I feel like all my hopes and dreams die when I take that escalator up there. Seriously, wtf are you doing proprietors of Innsbruck Mall, who are you? Don’t you want to make money? How is this place still standing? There needs to be some revitalization to this place, but I am unsure of what to do and who to help us! I feel like it needs to take a cue from that weird Downtown Market place and put in some vendors/flea market stuff or maybe it can be filled with furniture companies like that giant place in Hickory or maybe remodel it into a fun adult playground with slides and drinks? Am I the only one that wants it to be an adult playground? I need to work in construction and business.
6. Wedge Brewery
Going to the Wedge is one of my favorite activities, but I feel like a moderate sized and very popular brewery should have more than 4 toilets ( two in the main room, and a toilet and urinal in the secret bathroom) I have to pee a lot when I am there from massively drinking and almost always feel like I am about to pee my pants when I am waiting in line. Please, maybe build a little facility outside. I love you, never change, just include more toilets por favor.
7. East Asheville
I feel like it is so lifeless there. When I drive down Tunnel Road all the way I am just like blahblah a library blahblah car dealership blahblah that other Ingles blahblah VA Hospital. I guess we cannot really do much to help out there because it seems like all the businesses have been the same there forever but it is just so boring to me. I feel bored when I drive in East Asheville. Maybe some landscaping? Trees? Better businesses and restaurants? WTF are you doing? I think all the directional areas have pros and cons/some specific eccentricities to them, but when I think about East Asheville, I draw a blank. Just a lifeless street void of local character.
8. Franklin Graham
Ok, I know he is not a ‘local’ person, kind of semi-local but I feel like I need to comment on the atrocity that was Billy Graham’s birthday party. I feel bad for Billy Graham, I am not very religious but I respect Billy Graham a lot. I feel like Franklin Graham has taken over all things Billy and turned his birthday into a douchey Tea Party rally. Donald Trump and Sarah Palin at his birthday party. Fo real? Wtf are you doing? Stop monopolizing on the ministry to fund your crazy tea party views. Poor ol’’ Billy, I imagine him on a rocking chair high a top on his Montreat estate shedding a single tear like the 1970s Indian PSA.
9. Drivers in town
I want to express that I have almost died about 6 times while driving on 240 this week. Hi, you see me trying to get onto 240 from the exit, no one is in the fast lane and you still won’t let me merge? HATE YOU! Also, stop texting and keep in your lane. We are driving at high speeds and I don’t want to die because you don’t know how to stay in your lane. Turn signals are also nice to use, kthanks. The four way stop at Kimberly drives me nuts, hello, observe who stopped first and then you get to go. Stop going 20 mph in the tunnel and then breaking down that mini-hill. Stop breaking in the middle of downtown to look at stuff. Stop trying to make left turns out of businesses on Haywood (West End Bakery area- come on it’s a hard street just wait and turn around so you don’t fucking kill me).
10. Ending of big festivals
Bele Chere is gone. LAAF is gone. WTF are we doing? How will we collectively celebrate the craziness of Asheville? How do we put on a festival that supports local economy, love for fried Oreos, drinks out of coconuts and maybe some arts and crafts (but mainly drinks out of those coconuts-yum!)? What can we do here, maybe a day festival with slip n’ slides all over downtown (some investor reading this, please do this!) A massive capture the flag game that spans all over downtown?(YASSS) A food truck festival with music and games? Let’s do something this summer, if nothing is planned yet for us, capture the flag is happening on Saturday June 21st, sign ups at the bar. See you there.