Here you go, folks – the latest from whatshouldavlcallme. Enjoy! (Asheville,whatshouldashevillecallme was voted the most popular local social media personality in the recent Best Of issue of the Mountain Xpress. Follow wsavlcallme on the twitters.)
I often get people either asking me for advice on certain Asheville things or interjecting their opinions about everything I write, but one thing remains consistent – people have some general rules/opinions about obeying (or disobeying) social norms in our funky little town of Asheville. Whether you give advice to people on the best brunch restaurant for downtown, or which parking area is less sketchy, there is always an opinion on how to live in Asheville to the full effect.
So here, in this fifth installment of my little articles about Asheville life, I present to you the general Asheville Commandments (Please just pretend Moses is here aka any Asheville lumberjack-looking bearded man) and is displaying his commandments on tablets in the heart of downtown at Vance Monument. If you are very religious and feel offended, just please pray for me. I need all the prayers I can get while living in the cesspool of sin.
Moses or your friend Tom that lives in West Asheville? You decide.
1. Thou shalt always drive on Merrimon defensively and always pay attention for death is near.
2. Thou shalt always be a good UNCA Alumni and honor thy school with offerings (but please stop calling me, I will do it when I can)
3. Thou shalt never complain about the abundance of grocery stores and traffic (maybe)
4. Thou shalt always follow the rules at Beaver lake for thy land is private and the security guards are very serious.
5. Thou shalt always visit thy Greenlife when feeling rich to buy the best organic foods for thy body is a temple.
1. Thou shalt always get more than one margarita at Lucky Otter.
2. Honour thy Haywood Road by never getting angry at scooters driving but only once a week to replenish thy soul and mind.
3. Thou shalt always eat at 12 Bones when thy stomach is empty and wash food away with Wedge beers.
4. Thou shalt always honour and support local artists in the River Arts and go on all the art treks.
5. Thou shalt beautify Double Crown bathroom with amazing graffiti.
1. Thou shalt never drive on Sweeten Creek between the hours of 3-5 PM.
2. Thou shalt never use the Lords name in vain while stuck in traffic on I-26.
3. Honor thy Hendersonville Road by sometimes getting excited to drive on it by the Lord giveth thee beautiful chain restaurant sprawl of whiteness.
4. Thou shalt always drive on thy Blue Ridge Parkway back from Hendersonville Road.
5. Thou shalt have no other Tupelo Honeys before me (except the one in South, now Chattanooga, now Knoxville…but that is it you guys!)
1. Thou shalt always make the trek to Grove Park Inn for thy honor of Gingerbread Houses in the Christmas time and give offering of ten dollars for parking.
2. Honor thy craft beer and keep it holy by covering in thy specific brewery growler for consumption.
3. Thou shalt always never promote nor snitch on free parking situations downtown.
4. Honor thy tourist to their face by giving appropriate directions but then complain about them with all your friends in private.
5. Thou shalt honor thy neighbor and make no graven images for thy community is strong and sometimes you need them to help you move the 10 times you move around Asheville while living here.
6. Honor thy Asheville by always buying local and making those who don’t feel extra guilty.
7. Thou shalt always support local writers, artists, musicians for thy are they spirit of the land.
8. Thou shalt attend every street festival, for they are always different (just kidding, same thing every year) but thy is a good time and better than thy couch and Netflix.
9. Thou shalt never litter on the parkway for will get struck down by flames.
10. Honor thy Ingles Advantage card and praise Laura Lynn always on the Sabbath.
BONUS: Thou shalt never represent Asheville on television by being racist.