Asheville Disclaimer on a roll

Jason Sandford

Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville.

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If you haven’t been reading the Asheville Disclaimer lately, you need to check in. There’s some quality noise there.

From this week’s page:

The campaign of Carl Mumpower, who is vying to be the Republican Congressional candidate for the 11th District seat, recently hosted an open house at his downtown offices on College Street. Among the surprises:

-Carl wears a Nehru jacket and constantly strokes a Persian cat.
-Mantlepiece portrait of Jesse Helms done in melty Salvador Dali style.
-Secret room packed with frozen ex-wives.
-His policy initiatives are outlined on stained cocktail napkins stuck to the fridge.
-Still has original banjo from star turn in Deliverance.
-“Special brownies” alone worth the visit.
-Answers phone: “Stately Wayne Manor, Carl speaking.”
-After spending several hours with Carl in a hot tub floating with rose petals, the lone attendee began to suspect that there never was a party planned in the first place.
-He has a shockingly lovely singing voice – Verdi baritone with a thick Irish brogue.

And from last week, a mock Haywood Regional Medical Center ad:

Some people may think that being one of only five hospitals out of 6,7000 nationwide to be decertified from Medicare is bad, but to us an 11 percent error rate dispensing medication just shows we were 89 percent correct … because we’re a glass-half-full kind of hospital.

-ER will be staffed by actors who play doctors on TV
-Newly completed state-of-the-art do-it-yourself surgery room!
-Patients can save money enrolling in the “Is it a placebo or a life-saving drug?” pharmacy plan.
-If we stick the IV in the wrong arm, you get a free pudding.
-Free OxyContin suppositories for every staph infection.
-.075 gm – is that 75 or 750 mg? Doesn’t matter with our new Medicine Pinata dispensing method.

So come on out, folks, and give us another try. Haywood Regional Medical Center – providing personalized, compassionate, quality healthcare that so far hasn’t killed anyone …. that we will admit to.